Fuck it. This is probably going to be the worst rigmarole I'll ever produce. It's going to be long and it's going to be painfully blunt, but it's going to be relevant. Everything tangential shall be put at the end in case the topic interests you. It's something of a confession; it's me stripping before you with some cheesy porn music playing in the background. Here goes....
I want to do physics. I can't. I want to do physics not because I desire to do so (I mean in a genuine and one track sense) , but because it's most consistent with my beliefs. There is no real, raw, powerful curiosity propelling me forward... or in any case it's not dominant in my thoughts. My thoughts revolve around my true desires and longings, which are rather earthly, and which I'll get to in a moment. There is a rather strange form of "self-insignificance", one that has been tenderly nurtured by society to its present form. I can't live for me... I just can't, or rather I should say I can't live for a purpose where it is me that benefits at the end of it. My life will be selfish no matter what I do. I realized this long ago. But if those actions yield something that has a greater significance than just making my stupid 70 year old odd life more comfortable, by me having certain labels and trinkets that really mean nothing and do nothing other than upgrade me in a stupid social game, then it would be for the better. It would only be under such a circumstance that I COULD bother to live. Why this is is presently not relevant, but like most people, upbringing had a big part in it.... nature took care of the rest.
I was born to brood, and was bred to die. I'm a poet; forgive me ... I can't help it. I don't care much for this trait. I can see and imagine ridiculous things, which when coupled with my aforementioned trait, leads to some pretty crazy written material. This written material seems to amuse a few. I guess I'm funny. I say this since I don't know what funny really is other than an odd combination of surprise and twisted reality, but I do know that when you are funny you ought to make a good cross section of people laugh quite a lot of the time. I like making this happen at absurd costs. It gives me a reason to live when there often isn't anything else.
I worship truth, but the basis for this worship isn't so noble. Plagued by insecurity, looking at things from a knowledgeable and impersonal base served a way of looking beyond what others could see, and helped me find flaws in their arguments, judgments, reasonings and opinions. It empowered me, and I got addicted to it. At about the same time as this got a hold of me, I started to value what lay beyond everyday reality... the true underlying reality. It sounds Einsteinian, but really it had more of an anthropomorphic basis... the consideration of the possibility of fate and destiny; human events happening for a reason... yes, superstitious bullshit was a part of it, but certainly not all of it (Quantum mechanics was the rest). Education and "the consistency principle" (truth and reality is consistent) had shown me not too long after that such thoughts are childish. Feelings and thoughts merged to produce a person who is secure at the cost of being impersonal and detached. The need to belong and to be loved however hasn't been cured. My experiences have made me believe I am incapable of being loved. If it it was not possible for my closest friends and family to understand me ... or rather I should say, my labels and past indiscretions, after I explained it to them... then how can I expect strangers or anyone else to be capable of it***. Experience has confirmed that as people get closer to who I am, as well as knowledge of some of these labels, they choose to be farther away. The truth is I neither belong to the group of people who have really lived and had a lot of fun experiences, nor to those who have really tried to achieve a lot. The proof is my nature. Most could handle just fine I should think, in life under the constraints I was in, without having to become some fucking caterpillar and go into a cocoon... only to come out with some self empowering perspective where I fly over everyone's head. People take more before they crack.... people take more before they die. I however, was.. and to a large extent, am clearly weak, someone who could not handle the relatively slight heat at the time when people handled much more. This fact makes me feel small, and I often wonder what ridiculous achievement in the present or future will ever enable me to overcome this feeling of inadequacy produced by the non-actions of my past. These arise only when I am in a group of people, and these force me to go far away. I simply don't belong.
I say I'm not looking for love, and this is partially true. I think love is stupid... forgive me lovers. I think you are all delusional and see what you want to see, and are so narrowly aware of certain things that you miss the bigger picture. When I like or dislike something, when I experience something ... I always ask myself what would happen under different circumstances. I want to know the fine print, while most are content with the package as shown. This would make something like love (for another person) difficult for me in any case, for it requires me to trust and be selfless; it requires me losing myself to this person... something I cannot really do completely when I find out that she'd leave me if she knew this ... or that, or if her assumption here was shown to be false, and so on. It's too much of a hassle, and it's too fake.... like being drugged up for a while. I personally would accept reality for what it is and be sad for a bit while I figured out what was required of me to get out of the problem, than be happy in some make believe world where happiness depends on me not testing the conditions of this relationship, which were it tested... it would surely fail except with the most remarkable of people. Yes, I am painfully cynical as well. It's just my nature.
But I would be lying if I said this was it. This perspective is relatively recent. No, there is something deeper. The truth is I can't stand rejection. As people get closer, they grab hold of you more and more, such that when they go away they rip you apart. Just faintly recalling the instances of rejection right now by those I cared about has plunged my heart into some tar pit; some void. It actually feels like this. So were I less aware and less mentally dominating than I am today, I would still not go there with the exception of some extreme circumstances. I would still not look for her... for to find her would mean certain pain, the kind of which I am not ready to experience. Not now... and certainly not then. Maybe it could have been possible if I didn't know what I do now... but I can't fool myself in important matters anymore (and be happy about it).
The last significant piece of the puzzle - I can't stand fooling myself. I screwed myself in the past by assuming and expecting things that were not true, by not seeing the complete picture. I got my emotions and my mind wrapped up in things in a disproportionate way. I didn't bother to ask what would make me happy; I didn't bother to realize I can't have EVERYTHING. I was naive and stupid, a dangerous combination. My perspective makes me make sense of the world. Recently, in an internal examination whose results are going better than expected, but which are still pretty damn bad (a natural consequence of the amount of preparation put in, mind you), I had something of a "truth crisis". I couldn't resolve how a day's preparation is all that separated me from two completely different labels. It was, as I put in an analogy to a friend (or rather, a person becoming a friend) a few hours ago, as if drinking a cup of water is all that separated you from a weighing scale saying you're 60 kilos or 120 kilos. It so happens that both the scale and label it produces are wrong, and that our sense of worth... our weight, has to be determined in some other way, irregardless of how well accepted the system and the interpretations of the labels are. I have no problem breaking down what the marks do mean... I've been doing it for three years when I've been up on the scale... but it tires me to explain it over and over, and it can't be done for an infinite sea of non-thinkers. It bothered me then, as it bothers me now. It wouldn't have if what was put into question here was the integrity of our abilities... which should be independent of the societal circumstances. Truth to me, as far as self is concerned, involves having the same nature independent of social and societal factors. I've narrowed it down to this definition... again as far as oneself is concerned.* I aim to be something consistent, irregardless of social circumstances.** There could be some aspects muted at some time (like my ability to crack a few stupid jokes), which are there but not called for by my environment. What should never happen (and I will indeed say should), is me being inconsistent with my beliefs through my actions. The real challenge for me however is that of overcoming thoughts to be consistent with truth, and this with all my sacrifices and mental efforts and reminders, has just not happened. Desires still preoccupy me.
I guess the heart wants what it wants, even if at the end of it lies a submersion into a tar pit. I'm beginning to accept this as an aspect to me. My present growth in my ability in physics is allowing me to feel more relaxed and not be so ... rigid. I'm thinking that relaxing a bit might be the right thing to do.. but sensible relaxation, ever aware of what's most important. No escapism. No binges. I need not disappear from the internet, or shut all people out. I am presently fooling myself a little... a teensie, weensie, WEEEEEEENSIE bit, with a few people in real life. I think I'll add a couple of people I know online to this "group" as well. My heart has been set to oscillate above a bubbling tar pit upon realizing I can have in depth discussions with them on either physics or philosophy, and in the case of a recent addition, both. I think this inclusion won't last long, ... that the dip into the pit is but a few moments away, certain to happen if I could magically reveal all that I am... but I'm for once not listening to my mind. Life's good! I'm happy to be alive. Bubble away tar pit, bubble away. My mind really is a bitch.
Fuck, I have outdone myself this time haven't I? My volume keeps increasing; there is no limit. If only my textual extensions matched my sexual ones, I'd make a blue whale turn white (elephant).
* Truth in any other case can either be a synonym for reality, or for the set of underlying laws for a particular system. Of late I've been thinking again about what it means to be "real", that being in a social setting is a different environment altogether from one where you're all alone... and as such the consequences will be different. We ought to necessarily act differently when in public than when we are in private, that neither is any more real than the other... but both are nothing more than the consequences of ourselves placed in different settings. This is true provided you want to follow the path of least resistance, the path of most comfort. In that case, we end up doing many things that are flawed, wrong and incorrect with respect to what we believe and think, and just go with the flow. We could end up doing many things that make us feel miserable on the inside over the course of time. The opposite is to be principled and have character. I can't end this with some happy conclusion, for shocking as this may sound, I really don't know in general which path is better for an arbitrary individual - the path of immediate gratification, least resistance and potential destruction, or the path of self denial, courage and potential achievement. I don't think absolutes are good for anyone, though one should try to see if it helps. Experiment away to know yourself.
** I strive to have a nature, a set of thoughts and ideas... all internal, such that the results from this shows me to have a certain skill and ability. In this case only, does label= reality. Imagine a test on your ability to walk. Those of us with able legs will pass very well on any test where we're asked to walk in circles, in a straight line, over a slightly funny path on some strange terrain and so on (If you're saying certain bow legged folks, and folks who are drunk can't manage it... if you're that picky, then fuck you. There's no such thing as a perfect analogy, so stop being so anal about my shit O_o. Play along wonchye?) . So here, the ability to walk is real, and the test actually reflects this mastery. What presently happens is that there are a set of bums who roll around, who a day or a week before the exam manage to drink some coffee... and with this they can wobble around on two legs for some time. Others manage to grab hold of some of these wobblers in a cheeky way and cheat the onlooker into thinking he or she can walk... and there are some who are fortunate that a smooth slope designed for their legs was involved in the test, that enabled them to walk alright (whose result would be drastically different under some other testing circumstance). This then is the problem, in the form of an analogy. Were I to have done really well by a fluke, I would have felt worse than I do now. I must become the real deal, and now is the time to act... hence my absence from the internets, which I'll try from now on to not make absolute. I need not go THAT far... it's simply not necessary. I am human after all, I have to pause for a bit, if not a day. I'm growing.. slowly, and I hope inner peace lies at the end of this venture.
***Some may say that was not love then, since love is not shallow, label-centric and superficial. No... love is selfless and pure! .. you protest.
But let's face it ... love is, like all other human emotions, quite superficial - quite dependent on labels. It's not who you are that people fall in love with, it's what you represent.. what you appear to be. So as far as social reality is concerned, your labels ARE who you are.
Two points on this matter shall seal my point, just for you straight ladies who are deep and non-superficial -
1) You love a person for a certain deep trait right? A person whose mind works a certain way. Now consider two men, identical with respect to this nature... just one ends up looking like a hunk, I dunno.. Pitt, Depp or what have you, .. and the other is, to put it mildly, "unattractive". You may NOT assume that the attractive person will have less insecurities and thus have less character or anything else of the sort. They are both identical, mentally speaking, with the exception that they are both two different people. Who do you pick to be with?
... so much for love being blind.
2)You love someone for a certain quality. An aspect of his personality. Ok, now this quality was acquired because of the person having had a certain set of experiences... largely. This person you love has flaws. Now let's say you find another person, who is just one small experience away from having this trait. POW... he just got it! He lacks the flaws of the one you're supposedly in love with. What happens now? Do you stick with the one you love, or fiddle around with the new one? This, incidentally, is just a redefinition of how people fall out of love. What happens with time is the woman in the relationship undergoes a change in values ... her needs change, and the "cons" bucket keeps filling up with the dude she's involved with... either because he's getting too old, or is not living up to her expectations. She then finds someone who lacks the cons, and who satisfies her present criteria for falling in love, i.e having this trait she needs... and she thus "moves on". In my case, I kept the trait constant, but fiddled with the "cons" side of the scale of the other guy.
Point: 1) Love (practically speaking) is seldom selfless, and ultimately is selfish as far as MOST humans are concerned.
2)Love is superficial. Women will be drawn to those more attractive and powerful, all other traits held constant. I didn't bother using men in my examples because it's too easy. Where's the challenge in that?!
Please do cite a case of realized ideal love, where both lovers involved are selfless under extreme circumstances. I'd love to hear it. If you do come up with ONE... think of the odds - one in how many billion billion?
