Involuntary Blogging Syndrome:

I seriously have a problem - I'm presently quite addicted to blogging. What started out as a mild stretch of the creative muscles on the 24th of May has evolved into a full fledged desire to pour out every bit of the inane, pointless, historic, poetic and psychotic bits of information I have tumbling in my head like a drunk Verne Troyer in a malfunctioning washing machine. I have a series of PhD interviews in the next 3 days, and all I can think about while revising the physics material I have gone over and over and over and over and over (you get the message) ...again is, "gee, I wonder if writing about these series of incidents/ideas/wishes would be a good post. Yes, I can structure it like this and that... and that's a good start. And I can count on myself to evolve the writing style as I go along, quite spontaneously". Pathetic. I have lost my f'ing mind. I couldn't have given a rat's ass about this for almost three years, and now, after finding it amusing to post 4 posts on a given day after a long hiatus... I've got to say, the rabbit is, fucking, out of the hat! Or rather I should say the gerbil is out my ass... and he's Fa-laaaaaaaming! (I did eat some pretty spicy chilli last night... I guess that explains it...) .... AAAAHHH! What the fuck am I doing? I'm doing my usual shit again! I'm converting the cliched "rabbit in a hat thing" into a "gay gerbil in a straight man's ass" thing. Fucking me! Fucking LEMMIWINKS!

*Thinks to himself - "Cool it Lupine, cool it. Breathe. You're just being a bit random. That hasn't happened since a while so it's...oh shit. Oh Shit! Oh fuck..."*

Oh fuck. I just realized I am morphing into a tribrid version of my very,very old e-form of a random word twisting line factory, my more recent e-form of being an insult machine of a comment factory (i.e. LupineLooPine), and my actual spontaneous vivid imaginer of crazy things. This stupid fucking blog exercise has opened up Mandora's Cox!


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I'm SCREWED! Is anyone out there an unregistered BD? I know you BD's are full of BS (like quite a lot of MD's), but I'm willing to listen to any solutions to this .... this... disease.

Ok Lupine. Stop. Think. You haven't hit publish yet. It's not too late. You can still undo this! Don't hit publish! You don't need to re-enact the scene from basketball diaries and have a black man stop you from blogging while you scream that you need to... and then get cured after a week. Yes... type some more, it's all good. Let it out. Good boy Lupine, ... good boy. Just , don't, hit "you know what". For you. For me. For our schizophrenic werewolf self. There you go.... nice and easy. Back away. And ... don't hit pub..

Blast from the past - Insanity Crackers vol.1

The Unnecessary Background (Skip if you don't give a shit, straight to the "crackers" below):

I don't know if anybody knows this about me, but for the longest time... I wrote down almost all of my thoughts and e-xpressions.  This included any ideas that I had, which I considered "good", interesting or strange at the time; a considerable number of comments I wrote on websites, blogs and other places that I thought had either enough comedic value or "truth content"; physics ideas I thought were extremely interesting and important, and ideas about physics which I thought were worth investigating. This personal exercise began after I popped into existence, and went on till I began my Masters' Program, at which point I thought it quite important to buckle down, JUST focus exclusively on my self improvement in physics and get ALL other distractions and hobbies out of my way as much as possible (hence my lack of torrent use for movies and music, and my absence from the net). Turns out I got quite a social life back and ended up in a very deep relationship for a while... so the physics thing didn't quite work out ... as well as I planned anyway ;) . But, the point remains that the writing died.

Well, that's enough background that you may not have needed. The point of this post is to share a particular set of philosophical musings that I wrote on a YT channel I had a LOooooNG time back, one that hosted documentaries I found interesting.Long story short, YT blocked the channel because even if I did want to try to make the world a slightly better place by sharing and making accessible a bunch of documentaries dealing with art,science, history and philosophy that few people were aware of, but which were arguably topics that would increase their personal awareness and understanding of reality..... *DEEEEP Breath* .... thereby making them more informed and tolerant so as not to be swayed by manipulative external sources and forces like the public media, ....  it violated precious copyright laws on technical grounds, since YT making money off of them did not constitute fair play usage... technically..... *Another DEEEP Breath*... but this technicality could have just as easily been bypassed if I simply bothered to use a video editor to speed up or slow down the video at some point of the video for a brief bit of time; such videos being immune from cop(yright)blocking. (If you are thinking that the explanation to make the long story short was longer than the story itself, and are chuckling at the "irony".... congratulations for having the thought,but it was intended! That was the thing that was tickling my brain to make me do it. It's not an unintentional ramble by a deranged man! It's an intentional textual expectoration by a half witted gnat twat from curry land! Why doesn't anyone get my damn humour?!! Why?!! ( <-- Ok, this was unintentional ( I meant the lengthy explanation about the humour behind the short explanation being lengthy.... and not the fact that I put another set of parentheses inside a set of parentheses.... and whoop, wouldn't you know it.. I've done it again! Just like Britney Spears. (Well... not like Ms.Spears. She makes crappy albums over and over. I on the other hand am fond of nested parentheses apparently. There's a slight difference)))).

What was I talking about again? Oh yes... I had a channel. And on it I took the chance to share my wisdom at the time in the interest of giving them something to think about... which is never a bad thing. I called these "insanity crackers", and I'm going to share a couple here now, and the rest later. Upon reading what I wrote in 2007, it's almost like an "aww, ain't that cute" feeling that I'm getting. It's like me listening to a younger brother, or a younger me! Oh wait  ...


The Insanity Crackers:

Insanity Cracker 1:
"Fear is what runs our lives- The fear of being destitute makes us collect more money than we would ever need, the fear of dying alone makes us go on those god awful dates, the fear of being alone get us on youtube, in chat rooms and Myspace to name a few...the list goes on.Fears lead to insecurities which lead to a cyclic destructive paths being formed, cycles which seldom truly end. Yet in all this we neglect our greatest virtue, our human spirit, which can see light in the midst of darkness, joy when enveloped with the shards of broken dreams. Defiant against the curse of memory and the gift of foresight. Does not the bum on the street find moments of joy when there ought be none? The objects of fear are immeasurably weaker than the latent strength we all possess, stemming from our indestructible human spirit."


Insanity Cracker 2:
"Honesty , is not a badge of honour to be waved around by those open individuals comfortable with their shortcomings, who enjoy tormenting those who are ashamed and/or in denial of who, what or where they are. No, honesty and particularly self-honesty is a tool to be used by an individual to realize who and where they are at a moment, and thus give them the power to consequently go and be where they want to be. Lying to others is perfectly fine both logically and practically, PROVIDED you either have no direct responsibility to the other individual, i.e some actual relationship, and wish to spare their feelings over a reasonably harmless matter, or in the case of lying actually being in the interest of a greater, larger and demonstrable truth. But whatever you do.. NEVER lie to yourself, as far as is possible before breaking down and going insane. To do so will only lead to self-denial and perhaps even self-destruction."

It's official. This is the greatest comedy video ever.

I've watched this video now... probably 25 times over the past 5 years. It has always made me laugh. When I watched Colbert's White House Correspondents dinner a looooong while back, and some of his shows after... I thought that even if I ever "cracked down" on comedy... if I REALLY had to that is, I could never ever think about bringing out humour in the wordy contrast in quite the way he manages to. The same holds true for a couple of bits and styles of other comedians that I've appreciated since my childhood. Well... as I've grown older, and consequently smarter and more observant, I don't think that it would be so impossible. But one thing IS for sure. No matter what I could have ever done.. or ever do, I could NEVER produce something as wonderfully hilarious as "Reh Dogg"'s - "Why must I cry". I have recommended this video time and again to people I know in person and online, at least those I thought that could truly appreciate the brilliance. The time has come for me to share it here, on this blog. It is a masterclass of pure unadulterated humour; a work of pure genius, even if the author may not have realized so at the time. Such a perfect confluence of subjects, objects and themes, and such a near perfect ridiculous contrast of "actual versus intentional", shall perhaps never ever be achieved again by the human race. Reh Dogg... I "bow" ,before thee. You do make me cry, with laughter... every single time I watch this Kohinoor diamond of a video.

Yes, that's right people. You saw correctly. That was a man, crying and lathering himself up in the shower.... with a loofah... singing "why must I cry", while crying .... for 4 minutes! Did you hear the "boo-hoo-hoo"'s at 1:19 and 3:40? Did you see the "bad ass" gun loading at 1:44? Did you hear the lyrics? When, I ask you, when has something containing so many things that are just so wrong, produced something so very, very right? Do you still think I overplayed the genius card? Just think about it ... if you can! I tried,... and it blew my mind! I still haven't found it...

When the world changed for me; the moment my present self "clicked" into existence

I can trace back the dawn of my present self to a particular thought, though I can't trace back the date at the present moment. I know however, that it was in December. I was 18 years old, had completed high school (barely) .. and was not doing anything. Well strictly speaking, I was taking this computer class I was totally uninterested in and was forced into taking, so that my future was going "somewhere". I was looking at a year of having no academic work under my belt, and I couldn't care less. In fact, at the time, I didn't care about much other than my physical training. I had no drive for the future -  I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I just didn't have any idea or interest in it. I never considered myself stupid... consciously anyway, but I did buy into the image that my grades for a long time did reflect something about me to some extent. My weakest subject going by grades was mathematics, the subject on which all achievement in my present line of work and future career will depend on. I thankfully do have a decent enough ability in mathematics, so my future isn't as bleak as one would think... but at the time I did accept the label. I did let it define what I thought about myself, and what I could do.

Nothing motivated me until late October that year, when I stumbled across an article by Stephen Hawking. He explained some stuff about black holes. He mentioned the "holographic principle" in a line. He talked about String theory resolving a problem he had for many years about the "information paradox". All these fancy words, theories and concepts seemed interesting, but apart from being new aspects of the world for me, it didn't do much. But another thing he was talking about a lot was quantum mechanics, and specifically its implication on our understanding of physics. He was building up to what quantum mechanics had to say about "spacetime", and even he was just making guesses as no concrete theory exists on it. Now this quantum stuff was really stroking my mind the right way! He did end this article by saying that despite saying since the 80's that "the end of physics was near", he was quite sure that the end was really near THIS time, i.e. string theory would be completely solved. He was wrong, and I didn't get most of it. But that quantum stuff sure as hell was interesting!
While I sucked at most things, I did know how to use torrents. A quick search of "quantum textbook" on the site demonoid.com at the time got me a bunch of physics book torrents. In the collection was a book by David Griffiths that really hooked me. Something about his style of presentation in asking pertinent questions every now and then and then proceeding to answer them really appealed to me. I started with the last chapter to get an idea of what quantum mechanics was really "all about". It conjured up thoughts in my mind. I couldn't get around the idea of how the computer table in front of me was solid, but if I were to zoom in, it wouldn't be so "dense". I had a perverse idea of quantum mechanics at the time and imagined that  there really was this "wavy" reality to it - actual waviness. How could both of these be true? What was the table... really? That's the first time a "really" question even occurred in my head.. as far as I can remember. At least it was the first time I asked it with this severe an intent. His book on Electrodynamics furthered this new questioning phase, specifically the only chapter I was truly interested in reading at the time - the last one on Special relativity. I realized what I thought I knew earlier about the theory was wrong, but what the theory actually had to say was far more fascinating. Changing your speed altered your perception about space and time - when and where an event occurred, the scale of objects and the passage of time (All the words I'm using here correspond to the thoughts I had at the time. They are NOT terms I'd use now. If they are wholly wrong, I'll correct it, or call it "perverse" as I did earlier. Else I will forgive my 18 year old self  ;) ). The theory mandated that things were relative. But was it? I really wanted to know how to figure out the answer to these questions. I knew that the way things seemed depended on the scale, or your frame... things looked a certain way depending on the "frame" you chose (by "frame" here I thought both a "small scale frame", and a frame moving at a higher velocity. It depends on the what "reality" we were concerned with - the fuzziness of objects, or the fact that they can expand and compress). Well then, which frame could be more correct, and why? The answer came a month later to me while I was walking my dog  (It ought to have come sooner, but I relied heavily on incubation at that point in time... I had no understanding and ideas to work with). If you look at things from one "frame" and it explains more things than some other "frame", it ought to be more correct. I thought about why General Relativity is "more correct" than Newton's idea - it simply explained more phenomena than Newton's could. It incorporated more. Can one special relativity frame explain more than some other? Nope, they're all equally valid, and it truly is "all relative" here. Does the quantum frame explain more. Yes. Quantum can explain Classical, but not vice versa. I remember this thought occurring to me in early December, and I wasn't as elated as I was then since the time before I was a teenager! What a damn rush!

All of this happened, but not a thought on my future. Not a thought on who I am, who I should be, and so on. That thought train had to wait till a week before Xmas. I began to try questioning my own personal and social reality. I was bothered about why I hadn't learned some of the stuff in math and physics the way I did, as it really was so EASY. Calculus was EASY... why didn't I get to learn from Apostol? Physics was EASY... why didn't I get to understand those damn formulas for Electrostatics? Those bastards at school simply taught us rules, and gave us no understanding. Their grades have no value, I thought. What did it mean to have a degree saying you have 95% marks or 50% when you really don't know much a week after the exam is done, or understand anything in general? ... Nothing! It's not something that indicates anything meaningful about you, it's just a.... a "label". I remember having felt cheated and lied to. I was made to believe something had more meaning that it actually did, and the belief in that meaning influenced who I was and what I attempted. And why DID I get cheated and fooled this way? Answer - Because I didn't bother to question what those damned pieces of paper really were.... I didn't bother to ask the basic question - "Does this report mean anything, and if so, why?" . Had I just bothered to ask this simple question, my perception of things and my self confidence would have been totally different! I should have known what really is, and then should have based my life decisions around that! If I did that, I probably would have been totally different right now and not so lost! I probably wouldn't have lost so much OF so much; time among other things! If I do that, I have nothing to fear, because I'm basing it on reality... something I can defend anywhere, and to anyone. All I have to do is get informed, be honest about what it has to say and find the most general framework, and ask questions. That's... it!
                                                                                         *CLICK*
I had that thought the week before Xmas, but I have no idea on what date. It was either a Tuesday or a Thursday. Either way, it was the most significant thought I had in defining the kind of person I would be from then on till now, and will probably be for the rest of my life. Even if the thought won't end up being so important in the future (which I doubt), it started a path that got me to understand the scientific method, and the appreciation of THAT will never leave me for the rest of my life, for sure! I called the moment a "click", but really... it was a "pop". Realizing I could understand reality and defend it in the face of whatever society had to say by questioning "them" and showing them to be wrong made me feel damn good for some reason. It wasn't just my present mind that popped into existence, it was also my balls.

P.S: The thought may seem trivial to most, and perhaps it is. To question the validity of societal labels is not so big perhaps. But it was to me. For me it wasn't just the matter of questioning... but also the scale and intensity of it - the whole magnitude of the error that can result by not doing it, and the massive implications it can have on a person's life if they choose to buy into the bullshit. I didn't have any friends or social situation of any kind at the time.... it simply went into hibernation. All of this was quite ideal in setting the stage up for my development... which despite all my present imperfections (not surprisingly- social being the most significant one) has led to me getting at least something right!

The most infamous moment involving me from my University days.

This video was recorded in my first year, first semester... nearly 3 years ago. Back in those days... well, kind of like these days (and come to think of it... always) , I did't care much about my appearance. But on this particular day, my belt snapped, and since I didn't want my jeans to be by my ankles...  I just tied whatever was left of my belt around my waist in a seemingly harmless knot. I didn't do this in front of a mirror, and so unbeknownst to me the end result appeared .... somewhat peculiar, to put it mildly. What's going on in the video is that I'm trying to contact the lab assistant in our department to get the keys for the lab... in order to get the bag of a fellow student/friend who had left it in there (It was near closing time of the department). The one whose bag is inside is the one who is carrying around a broken remnant of my belt at the start of the video (.. for some mysterious reason). Anyway.... you need to watch till near the end of the video (at 2:07 to be precise) to get what the hub-bub was about. This incident is infamously known as "the belt incident".

Update: I should have corrected the title, but I think it's better for me to clarify further out here. The titles validity really depends on what one calls "infamous". Was there really an incident as whacky as me running around stark naked in the 9th grade in my school (for a reason I shall not mention here)? Nope. university was far more sober for me. But, there have been moments where "the usual things" did happen... like pissing off lecturers for all the WRONG reasons, leading to me debating them in the classroom. Other usual things are crazy observational moments like these ... of which this is the most memorable I guess... rather than "infamous". Arguably however, by any measure, the most infamous moment is where I pissed off the whole senior batch in my University, to the point that they wanted to gang up on me. While I was ready to "go down fighting as long as I took some of them down", I had something at the time I have never been able to count on for much of my life - friends. Yes.... they had my back. The wolf in this rare moment was not alone. He had a pack of sorts.Enough of this.... on to the incident.
Every year our department hosts an event.... a festival, with games, quizzes, plays,etc... and food. The freshers normally host and plan the thing, and the seniors provide some input, help and general cooperation (Masters is a two year course here... so we just have freshers and seniors, but some PhD students come in the "seniors" bracket as well).  In our year, the seniors were being a pain in every way possible. Some of them refused to pay the amount per student as was calculated to get the event going, some of them tried to bully their way and ideas into some events... which annoyed me not only due to it happening, but also for the "freshers" wimping out all the time. All the while I stood on the sidelines. I was only affiliated with the quiz event, and it was just me and my friends doing the whole thing. No one messed with us... for whatever reason. But while the festival was going, some of the seniors were protesting the details of the 'Aantakshari' event (Aantakshari being a game where you sing a song, and the next team/person continues with another song starting with the ending syllable of the previous teams song). Now, I hate the game in general and would not have participated (and did not later on) in my wildest dreams,  but having them boycott the event on the day of the event, chiefly because of a chosen professor not being involved because the prof was busy... just pissed me off. When I see something beyond a certain level of stupidity, I always take it upon myself  to talk and act and get some "non stupid" result. So I went in the room, and started talking to this "representative" for the seniors. After thoroughly criticizing his views on the matter at hand, and showing how they were unreasonable and/or illogical, he decided the best way to go was not logic, but an idiotic phrase (which had no point in being said, and made no sense since I had addressed the issues he brought up and showed him to be a total douche nozzle). He said "To make a clap, you need two hands". I responded " First" , and then without saying anything snapped my fingers onto the base of my palm and made a clapping sound. He made a disgusted face at this. I followed the demonstration by saying " Second, while I would call the freshers a hand, I wouldn't call the seniors that. They're by demonstrated overwhelming evidence, some other body part". He didn't seem offended at this, and I thought he didn't get it to be honest. He just left seconds later, and I felt quite accomplished. I thought that I had done it once again - If I couldn't reason with the irrational opponent, I verbally put him in his place. Next thing I know.... as in ten minutes later, as I was enjoying a snack outside near the badminton court, out storms the "representative" with some fifteen odd seriously pissed off seniors. They stop, the representative points at me, and I just look right back at them with a face suggesting "Great. More stupidity". They storm towards me... but stop just short. They decide to go straight to the person/ our batch mate next to me. Incidentally, this person they went to, my classmate, was "running the show" .... not because she was elected to do so, but rather due to the manifestation of her megalomaniacal tendencies and her desire to be in charge of all things in general. (That, and our near collective fresher desire to have nothing to do with the stupid event; she was the only one that gave a damn ). Anyway, so they're talking to her at earshot from me about me calling them "asses". This offended me for two reasons - 1) I clearly meant they were dicks, and the freshers and seniors had a relationship that could at best be described as "jerking off"! Ass? What the hell? What kind of relationship could that mean? At best one could say that our department is a shit factory, and the seniors are the ones that are "pushed out" into this toilet of a world. But still, that would make them shit ... not ass, and why would the freshers in any case as hands be in contact with them?! (Doesn't anyone get my comedic brilliance, I thought at the time.) And 2) I'm right fucking there! Don't be a rude shit/ass/dick... or whatever you consider yourself to be.If you have a problem with something I said, clarify it with me. I'm more than happy to explain it.  So I walk up to the gang and ask them once " Excuse me, is there a problem?" . They ignore me collectively. Man... to be ignored by one person is easy enough, but either I pissed them off so badly that none of them wanted to look at me.... OR they planned that none of them would look or talk to me. Either way... I pissed them off quite a bit  :D . So I go further " I couldn't help overhearing, and I think you're talking about me". One of them, "Mr. I" says "We're not talking to you". I retort "That may be, but I'M talking to you! I'd be happy to clarify any doubts you may have about what I said". At this, the guy mumbles with some of the others, and they approach me looking insanely pissed. I crack my knuckles and think "Woohoo! A fight!". At this point, those party poopers I call friends intervene. One goes ahead and talks to "Mr.I" and tries to take the group with him, with considerable success. Another friend tries to convince me to walk away. I boldly proclaim that I have no problem discussing any matter, and if it goes somewhere else... I can handle that to some effect as well. Finally, being coerced with a promise of coffee... I leave. After this,... my mind was horrified at how people form groups over anything. It made no sense in saying "the seniors are acting like this or that" to mean ALL seniors. I clearly meant the jackasses that were acting as such, and only mentioned the term "seniors" because that's how it was being discussed with me by their "representative". I came up with an idea that we (me and my friends) should call ourselves "The Shangles" (word just popped in my mid for no reason), and that should anyone say anything bad about the Shangles anywhere, we'll just gang up on them and threaten to beat them. Doesn't matter if it made sense or not, or if it was harmless. We'd just be looking to kick ass. I must in the interest of honesty admit that this incident did end up fucking with my mind some days later. I end up thinking about things obsessively to figure out more rules and patterns, to extract as many lessons and ideas as I can. Something in that thought process did affect me. But on the given day, it was just bemusement and jokes all around, with my friends nervously looking over their backs, secretly thinking about how much of a social n00by dumb ass I am to get into shit like this.

The Devil Within

An explosion of anger and hatred,
Blowing out steam when its boiling hot,
No consideration, cares about nothing,
Flowing violent truth on the whole fucking lot

Cross my mind once, you'll feel the wrath,
That was bottled up deep inside, but poorly,
World is black and white, you'd better be right,
Be prepared for a scene that's perfectly gory

I wish I were calm, that I was under control,
Try my best at most times to keep it under wraps,
Sometimes however, the shit gets too much,
My mind loses out to the lost soul in the gaps

His pain and anger seems to have no bound,
Feels cheated and robbed, he scowls and frowns,
Sees red, feels yellow, yet darkness abounds,
Wishes for death, but will take everyone down

This then is my Devil within,
A dozen Hail Mary's couldn't get him back in,
I pray that I find, that God in my mind,
That will vanquish this demon, and salvage my life

Waking Life

I would give anything to go back 2 years, 5 months and 4 days back.... I would double that to go roughly 8 years back. The consequences of choices in these periods haunt my waking hours as much as they do my dreams, in some form or another, and never to an intensity that is in any way remotely insignificant. Whatever I do, the slate is never clean; the memory never gone. All my "wisdom" and knowledge, all my understanding to make sense of it ... that this in a very consequential way had to be, doesn't in any way make me not wish so strongly that I had done the improbable at those times. Some were less improbable than others, some were just elementary bad choices with a severe, catastrophic runaway effect. The wish to redo is all the same. It sounds terrible coming from me, for I wished that all that thinking, all this logic and honesty that I have exercised to some slight capacity, would have provided closure and growth and helped avoid resentment. But how strongly I feel it now... in this period, a psychological cancer consuming me so mercilessly. While there are good days and bad days, the trend undoubtedly is that it is getting worse with time. I still believe (and hope) that being as honest as one can with oneself is what will save anyone. To accept and try to move on with a thought out plan .. a solution, and to accept the unforeseeable deviations and setbacks that may result from following it. The only thing I can hope to do, the only solution I see... is to make my environment as honest a reflection of my reality as I can manage, and hopefully find the strength to survive in this world despite what my heart and mind will agonizingly scream out from the abyss. I hope to find the "general answer" some day , and on that day I hope I give enough of  a damn to overcome the cynical side of me so that I might bother to share it (the main thing that got me started on this journey so long ago).