You still haunt my dreams. You flutter in my waking moments, where I turn to tell you something odd I thought or found... but you're not there. I want to bitch to you about inconsequential shit, my weekly vicissitudes of ups and downs that won't matter in the long run. I really want to know how your day went, and want to be in it. I want to feel you in my arms, feel and hear you breathe , hold your hand and devour it with every sensory organ I have. I long to share and hear your tales, your gossip, your views. I long for your cute and not so cute outbursts on the important and the mundane. I long for you, the good and bad. In all of it that was, I must confess, there was a sense of completeness and fulfillment. Maybe that is why breaking apart was not so easy for me for so long. Because as bad as the bad sometimes got, it never escaped my mind as to how much I loved the whole. I still love the whole. My only obstacle now is my stubborn mind, trying to make my equally stubborn and asinine inner self to bow down to its will. This is easy enough when I can rub away the old and start away with a clean slate. I seem to have stumbled upon something I don't want to rub away. I can't seem to bow down to the logic of my mind... this time. You my dear, are the most wonderful virus that has ever infected my heart and soul; the only thing to have so embarrassingly overpowered my mind, and who after all those weirdly negative moments that would have made me not think of another person twice, can still make me fill with true warmth with the slightest thought. I will always miss you, and I will always love you.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Siblings
There was a rift, not too long ago, among my sisters, so much so that it bordered on hatred. Lawsuits had been filed, claims of the other being "dead" to the other was mentioned with absolute sincerity. But then, the next moment (i.e. a year later) it's all forgotten. This has pissed me off. I don't know what bothers me more about it - whether the initial point is full of shit, or the final point. One or the other is, and the whole pointless drama pisses me off. I find it increasingly hard to relate and understand these members of my "family". They seem more strange to me than most people I know, and are by far the strangest of the "close ones". For all my "bigger picture" perspectives that I try to adopt, they remain to me the most elusive and hard to grasp of all the human cases I know of. Everything else and everyone else can make sense with increasing information. But these guys.... certain consistent pictures do crop up, and they aren't pretty. It disappoints me, and saddens me. I don't know what I border more on - pity or shame. I'm happy for their success, but I know that it won't matter to them what I think. I know it wouldn't matter what anyone does think. That, in itself, is the heart of the tragedy. I've witnessed these pinnacles of conceitedness, these hogs for wealth and power, these beings of immense ingratitude towards their roots with an immaturity that is breath taking (in a really bad way). I've witnessed this with disgust, and in their own way I guess, have helped me to try my best to take the opposite path. So I guess I owe them for what I value, but they still do sometimes take the revulsion cake (like right now).
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Anyone who knows me personally well enough, knows I haven't had the greatest family upbringing one could have. But all things considered, for me right now it's just a matter of the past. My feelings at the time are no more significant to me today than all those other things that affected me so seriously as a child and toddler; it's all just relative to my (developing) state of mind in the past. As for the present, I'm extremely grateful that I do have this couple of people in my life, who ... through ebbs and flows, allowed me to pursue what I presently am with different levels of belief. There are a great many times, at least over the past couple of years, where I didn't believe in myself to carry on. When it all goes to shit, it does help that there are these two people who believe, based on the work you've put in (rather what they THINK you put in) and the way you reveal yourself to think and feel, that one day golden rays of sunshiny truth will shine out of your ass and will help make things better for yourself and other people. In those shitty days for me, apart from the driving force to prove the ones that snicker at you wrong, there is the equally potent driving force to validate the beliefs of those that have stuck with you. I'm glad I have these two, and right now the desire to become the person of their belief is stronger than any other driving force I can invent. I only want to pay them back, in every way I can.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Why the hell...
... do I want so badly to belong to an environment I AM not meant for by my present nature, and thus spend a considerable amount of time there.... as opposed to diving head first into that environment which I am SO perfectly designed for by the circumstances and environments I had faced earlier? I am like a fish, that could be an "amazing fish" if I just decided to go into the deeper waters, where I would quite easily be able to probe the deepest depths.. something I, as the fish, am quite aware of by simply examining the nature of my body. But rather, I spend half of my time in the shallow waters, and half on the shore, all this dictated by the tides. I'm drawn to the shore because I've been led to believe it's not a lonely place, unlike the deep waters which I expect to be dark and desolate; but all the evidence I have seems to suggest it is just as lonely (if not more). Why then do I continue to flop so clumsily on the shore, and not accept my reality of being meant for the deep waters?
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Involuntary Blogging Syndrome:
I seriously have a problem - I'm presently quite addicted to blogging. What started out as a mild stretch of the creative muscles on the 24th of May has evolved into a full fledged desire to pour out every bit of the inane, pointless, historic, poetic and psychotic bits of information I have tumbling in my head like a drunk Verne Troyer in a malfunctioning washing machine. I have a series of PhD interviews in the next 3 days, and all I can think about while revising the physics material I have gone over and over and over and over and over (you get the message) ...again is, "gee, I wonder if writing about these series of incidents/ideas/wishes would be a good post. Yes, I can structure it like this and that... and that's a good start. And I can count on myself to evolve the writing style as I go along, quite spontaneously". Pathetic. I have lost my f'ing mind. I couldn't have given a rat's ass about this for almost three years, and now, after finding it amusing to post 4 posts on a given day after a long hiatus... I've got to say, the rabbit is, fucking, out of the hat! Or rather I should say the gerbil is out my ass... and he's Fa-laaaaaaaming! (I did eat some pretty spicy chilli last night... I guess that explains it...) .... AAAAHHH! What the fuck am I doing? I'm doing my usual shit again! I'm converting the cliched "rabbit in a hat thing" into a "gay gerbil in a straight man's ass" thing. Fucking me! Fucking LEMMIWINKS!
*Thinks to himself - "Cool it Lupine, cool it. Breathe. You're just being a bit random. That hasn't happened since a while so it's...oh shit. Oh Shit! Oh fuck..."*
Oh fuck. I just realized I am morphing into a tribrid version of my very,very old e-form of a random word twisting line factory, my more recent e-form of being an insult machine of a comment factory (i.e. LupineLooPine), and my actual spontaneous vivid imaginer of crazy things. This stupid fucking blog exercise has opened up Mandora's Cox!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I'm SCREWED! Is anyone out there an unregistered BD? I know you BD's are full of BS (like quite a lot of MD's), but I'm willing to listen to any solutions to this .... this... disease.
Ok Lupine. Stop. Think. You haven't hit publish yet. It's not too late. You can still undo this! Don't hit publish! You don't need to re-enact the scene from basketball diaries and have a black man stop you from blogging while you scream that you need to... and then get cured after a week. Yes... type some more, it's all good. Let it out. Good boy Lupine, ... good boy. Just , don't, hit "you know what". For you. For me. For our schizophrenic werewolf self. There you go.... nice and easy. Back away. And ... don't hit pub..
Blast from the past - Insanity Crackers vol.1
The Unnecessary Background (Skip if you don't give a shit, straight to the "crackers" below):
I don't know if anybody knows this about me, but for the longest time... I wrote down almost all of my thoughts and e-xpressions. This included any ideas that I had, which I considered "good", interesting or strange at the time; a considerable number of comments I wrote on websites, blogs and other places that I thought had either enough comedic value or "truth content"; physics ideas I thought were extremely interesting and important, and ideas about physics which I thought were worth investigating. This personal exercise began after I popped into existence, and went on till I began my Masters' Program, at which point I thought it quite important to buckle down, JUST focus exclusively on my self improvement in physics and get ALL other distractions and hobbies out of my way as much as possible (hence my lack of torrent use for movies and music, and my absence from the net). Turns out I got quite a social life back and ended up in a very deep relationship for a while... so the physics thing didn't quite work out ... as well as I planned anyway ;) . But, the point remains that the writing died.
Well, that's enough background that you may not have needed. The point of this post is to share a particular set of philosophical musings that I wrote on a YT channel I had a LOooooNG time back, one that hosted documentaries I found interesting.Long story short, YT blocked the channel because even if I did want to try to make the world a slightly better place by sharing and making accessible a bunch of documentaries dealing with art,science, history and philosophy that few people were aware of, but which were arguably topics that would increase their personal awareness and understanding of reality..... *DEEEEP Breath* .... thereby making them more informed and tolerant so as not to be swayed by manipulative external sources and forces like the public media, .... it violated precious copyright laws on technical grounds, since YT making money off of them did not constitute fair play usage... technically..... *Another DEEEP Breath*... but this technicality could have just as easily been bypassed if I simply bothered to use a video editor to speed up or slow down the video at some point of the video for a brief bit of time; such videos being immune from cop(yright)blocking. (If you are thinking that the explanation to make the long story short was longer than the story itself, and are chuckling at the "irony".... congratulations for having the thought,but it was intended! That was the thing that was tickling my brain to make me do it. It's not an unintentional ramble by a deranged man! It's an intentional textual expectoration by a half witted gnat twat from curry land! Why doesn't anyone get my damn humour?!! Why?!! ( <-- Ok, this was unintentional ( I meant the lengthy explanation about the humour behind the short explanation being lengthy.... and not the fact that I put another set of parentheses inside a set of parentheses.... and whoop, wouldn't you know it.. I've done it again! Just like Britney Spears. (Well... not like Ms.Spears. She makes crappy albums over and over. I on the other hand am fond of nested parentheses apparently. There's a slight difference)))).
What was I talking about again? Oh yes... I had a channel. And on it I took the chance to share my wisdom at the time in the interest of giving them something to think about... which is never a bad thing. I called these "insanity crackers", and I'm going to share a couple here now, and the rest later. Upon reading what I wrote in 2007, it's almost like an "aww, ain't that cute" feeling that I'm getting. It's like me listening to a younger brother, or a younger me! Oh wait ...
The Insanity Crackers:
Insanity Cracker 1:
"Fear is what runs our lives- The fear of being destitute makes us collect more money than we would ever need, the fear of dying alone makes us go on those god awful dates, the fear of being alone get us on youtube, in chat rooms and Myspace to name a few...the list goes on.Fears lead to insecurities which lead to a cyclic destructive paths being formed, cycles which seldom truly end. Yet in all this we neglect our greatest virtue, our human spirit, which can see light in the midst of darkness, joy when enveloped with the shards of broken dreams. Defiant against the curse of memory and the gift of foresight. Does not the bum on the street find moments of joy when there ought be none? The objects of fear are immeasurably weaker than the latent strength we all possess, stemming from our indestructible human spirit."
Insanity Cracker 2:
"Honesty , is not a badge of honour to be waved around by those open individuals comfortable with their shortcomings, who enjoy tormenting those who are ashamed and/or in denial of who, what or where they are. No, honesty and particularly self-honesty is a tool to be used by an individual to realize who and where they are at a moment, and thus give them the power to consequently go and be where they want to be. Lying to others is perfectly fine both logically and practically, PROVIDED you either have no direct responsibility to the other individual, i.e some actual relationship, and wish to spare their feelings over a reasonably harmless matter, or in the case of lying actually being in the interest of a greater, larger and demonstrable truth. But whatever you do.. NEVER lie to yourself, as far as is possible before breaking down and going insane. To do so will only lead to self-denial and perhaps even self-destruction."
I don't know if anybody knows this about me, but for the longest time... I wrote down almost all of my thoughts and e-xpressions. This included any ideas that I had, which I considered "good", interesting or strange at the time; a considerable number of comments I wrote on websites, blogs and other places that I thought had either enough comedic value or "truth content"; physics ideas I thought were extremely interesting and important, and ideas about physics which I thought were worth investigating. This personal exercise began after I popped into existence, and went on till I began my Masters' Program, at which point I thought it quite important to buckle down, JUST focus exclusively on my self improvement in physics and get ALL other distractions and hobbies out of my way as much as possible (hence my lack of torrent use for movies and music, and my absence from the net). Turns out I got quite a social life back and ended up in a very deep relationship for a while... so the physics thing didn't quite work out ... as well as I planned anyway ;) . But, the point remains that the writing died.
Well, that's enough background that you may not have needed. The point of this post is to share a particular set of philosophical musings that I wrote on a YT channel I had a LOooooNG time back, one that hosted documentaries I found interesting.Long story short, YT blocked the channel because even if I did want to try to make the world a slightly better place by sharing and making accessible a bunch of documentaries dealing with art,science, history and philosophy that few people were aware of, but which were arguably topics that would increase their personal awareness and understanding of reality..... *DEEEEP Breath* .... thereby making them more informed and tolerant so as not to be swayed by manipulative external sources and forces like the public media, .... it violated precious copyright laws on technical grounds, since YT making money off of them did not constitute fair play usage... technically..... *Another DEEEP Breath*... but this technicality could have just as easily been bypassed if I simply bothered to use a video editor to speed up or slow down the video at some point of the video for a brief bit of time; such videos being immune from cop(yright)blocking. (If you are thinking that the explanation to make the long story short was longer than the story itself, and are chuckling at the "irony".... congratulations for having the thought,but it was intended! That was the thing that was tickling my brain to make me do it. It's not an unintentional ramble by a deranged man! It's an intentional textual expectoration by a half witted gnat twat from curry land! Why doesn't anyone get my damn humour?!! Why?!! ( <-- Ok, this was unintentional ( I meant the lengthy explanation about the humour behind the short explanation being lengthy.... and not the fact that I put another set of parentheses inside a set of parentheses.... and whoop, wouldn't you know it.. I've done it again! Just like Britney Spears. (Well... not like Ms.Spears. She makes crappy albums over and over. I on the other hand am fond of nested parentheses apparently. There's a slight difference)))).
What was I talking about again? Oh yes... I had a channel. And on it I took the chance to share my wisdom at the time in the interest of giving them something to think about... which is never a bad thing. I called these "insanity crackers", and I'm going to share a couple here now, and the rest later. Upon reading what I wrote in 2007, it's almost like an "aww, ain't that cute" feeling that I'm getting. It's like me listening to a younger brother, or a younger me! Oh wait ...
The Insanity Crackers:
Insanity Cracker 1:
"Fear is what runs our lives- The fear of being destitute makes us collect more money than we would ever need, the fear of dying alone makes us go on those god awful dates, the fear of being alone get us on youtube, in chat rooms and Myspace to name a few...the list goes on.Fears lead to insecurities which lead to a cyclic destructive paths being formed, cycles which seldom truly end. Yet in all this we neglect our greatest virtue, our human spirit, which can see light in the midst of darkness, joy when enveloped with the shards of broken dreams. Defiant against the curse of memory and the gift of foresight. Does not the bum on the street find moments of joy when there ought be none? The objects of fear are immeasurably weaker than the latent strength we all possess, stemming from our indestructible human spirit."
Insanity Cracker 2:
"Honesty , is not a badge of honour to be waved around by those open individuals comfortable with their shortcomings, who enjoy tormenting those who are ashamed and/or in denial of who, what or where they are. No, honesty and particularly self-honesty is a tool to be used by an individual to realize who and where they are at a moment, and thus give them the power to consequently go and be where they want to be. Lying to others is perfectly fine both logically and practically, PROVIDED you either have no direct responsibility to the other individual, i.e some actual relationship, and wish to spare their feelings over a reasonably harmless matter, or in the case of lying actually being in the interest of a greater, larger and demonstrable truth. But whatever you do.. NEVER lie to yourself, as far as is possible before breaking down and going insane. To do so will only lead to self-denial and perhaps even self-destruction."
Friday, June 1, 2012
It's official. This is the greatest comedy video ever.
I've watched this video now... probably 25 times over the past 5 years. It has always made me laugh. When I watched Colbert's White House Correspondents dinner a looooong while back, and some of his shows after... I thought that even if I ever "cracked down" on comedy... if I REALLY had to that is, I could never ever think about bringing out humour in the wordy contrast in quite the way he manages to. The same holds true for a couple of bits and styles of other comedians that I've appreciated since my childhood. Well... as I've grown older, and consequently smarter and more observant, I don't think that it would be so impossible. But one thing IS for sure. No matter what I could have ever done.. or ever do, I could NEVER produce something as wonderfully hilarious as "Reh Dogg"'s - "Why must I cry". I have recommended this video time and again to people I know in person and online, at least those I thought that could truly appreciate the brilliance. The time has come for me to share it here, on this blog. It is a masterclass of pure unadulterated humour; a work of pure genius, even if the author may not have realized so at the time. Such a perfect confluence of subjects, objects and themes, and such a near perfect ridiculous contrast of "actual versus intentional", shall perhaps never ever be achieved again by the human race. Reh Dogg... I "bow" ,before thee. You do make me cry, with laughter... every single time I watch this Kohinoor diamond of a video.
Yes, that's right people. You saw correctly. That was a man, crying and lathering himself up in the shower.... with a loofah... singing "why must I cry", while crying .... for 4 minutes! Did you hear the "boo-hoo-hoo"'s at 1:19 and 3:40? Did you see the "bad ass" gun loading at 1:44? Did you hear the lyrics? When, I ask you, when has something containing so many things that are just so wrong, produced something so very, very right? Do you still think I overplayed the genius card? Just think about it ... if you can! I tried,... and it blew my mind! I still haven't found it...
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