My (present) priority list, in order

• Understanding physics, the evolution of my mind, the understanding of fundamental aspects of the universe,ourselves, and our society.
• My responsibility to my parents, my desire to make them as happy and proud as I can
• My responsibility to my closest friends, and understanding and forgiving their shortcomings (should they arise).
• The other "friends", most e-peeps, and half strangers
  

The eternal missing of the miss

You still haunt my dreams. You flutter in my waking moments, where I turn to tell you something odd I thought or found... but you're not there. I want to bitch to you about inconsequential shit, my weekly vicissitudes of ups and downs that won't matter in the long run. I really want to know how your day went, and  want to be in it. I want to feel you in my arms, feel and hear you breathe , hold your hand and devour it with every sensory organ I have. I long to share and hear your tales, your gossip, your views. I long for your cute and not so cute outbursts on the important and the mundane. I long for you, the good and bad. In all of it that was, I must confess, there was a sense of completeness and fulfillment. Maybe that is why breaking apart was not so easy for me for so long. Because as bad as the bad sometimes got, it never escaped my mind as to how much I loved the whole. I still love the whole. My only obstacle now is my stubborn mind, trying to make my equally stubborn and asinine inner self to bow down to its will. This is easy enough when I can rub away the old and start away with a clean slate. I seem to have stumbled upon something I don't want to rub away. I can't seem to bow down to the logic of my mind... this time. You my dear, are the most wonderful virus that has ever infected my heart and soul; the only thing to have so embarrassingly overpowered my mind, and who after all those weirdly negative moments that would have made me not think of another person twice, can still make me fill with true warmth with the slightest thought. I will always miss you, and I will always love you.  

Siblings

There was a rift, not too long ago, among my sisters, so much so that it bordered on hatred. Lawsuits had been filed, claims of the other being "dead" to the other was mentioned with absolute sincerity. But then, the next moment (i.e. a year later) it's all forgotten. This has pissed me off. I don't know what bothers me more about it - whether the initial point is full of shit, or the final point. One or the other is, and the whole pointless drama pisses me off. I find it increasingly hard to relate and understand these members of my "family". They seem more strange to me than most people I know, and are by far the strangest of the "close ones". For all my "bigger picture" perspectives that I try to adopt, they remain to me the most elusive and hard to grasp of all the human cases I know of. Everything else and everyone else can make sense with increasing information. But these guys.... certain consistent pictures do crop up, and they aren't pretty. It disappoints me, and saddens me. I don't know what I border more on - pity or shame. I'm happy for their success, but I know that it won't matter to them what I think. I know it wouldn't matter what anyone does think. That, in itself, is the heart of the tragedy. I've witnessed these pinnacles of conceitedness, these hogs for wealth and power, these beings of immense ingratitude towards their roots with an immaturity that is breath taking (in a really bad way).  I've witnessed this with disgust, and in their own way I guess, have helped me to try my best to take the opposite path. So I guess I owe them for what I value, but they still do sometimes take the revulsion cake (like right now).

Anyone who knows me personally well enough, knows I haven't had the greatest family upbringing one could have. But all things considered, for me right now it's just a matter of the past. My feelings at the time are no more significant to me today than all those other things that affected me so seriously as a child and toddler; it's all just relative to my (developing) state of mind in the past. As for the present, I'm extremely grateful that I do have this couple of people in my life, who ... through ebbs and flows, allowed me to pursue what I presently am with different levels of belief. There are a great many times, at least over the past couple of years, where I didn't believe in myself to carry on. When it all goes to shit, it does help that there are these two people who believe, based on the work you've put in (rather what they THINK you put in) and the way you reveal yourself to think and feel, that one day golden rays of sunshiny truth will shine out of your ass and will help make things better for yourself and other people. In those shitty days for me, apart from the driving force to prove the ones that snicker at you wrong, there is the equally potent driving force to validate the beliefs of those that have stuck with you. I'm glad I have these two, and right now the desire to become the person of their belief is stronger than any other driving force I can invent.  I only want to pay them back, in every way I can.

Why the hell...

... do I want so badly to belong to an environment I AM not meant for by my present nature, and thus spend a considerable amount of time there.... as opposed to diving head first into that environment which I am SO perfectly designed for by the circumstances and environments I had faced earlier? I am like a fish, that could be an "amazing fish" if I just decided to go into the deeper waters, where I would quite easily be able to probe the deepest depths.. something I, as the fish, am quite aware of by simply examining the nature of my body. But rather, I spend half of my time in the shallow waters, and half on the shore, all this dictated by the tides. I'm drawn to the shore because I've been led to believe it's not a lonely place, unlike the deep waters which I expect to be dark and desolate; but all the evidence I have seems to suggest it is just as lonely (if not more). Why then do I continue to flop so clumsily on the shore, and not accept my reality of being meant for the deep waters?

When the world changed for me; the moment my present self "clicked" into existence

I can trace back the dawn of my present self to a particular thought, though I can't trace back the date at the present moment. I know however, that it was in December. I was 18 years old, had completed high school (barely) .. and was not doing anything. Well strictly speaking, I was taking this computer class I was totally uninterested in and was forced into taking, so that my future was going "somewhere". I was looking at a year of having no academic work under my belt, and I couldn't care less. In fact, at the time, I didn't care about much other than my physical training. I had no drive for the future -  I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I just didn't have any idea or interest in it. I never considered myself stupid... consciously anyway, but I did buy into the image that my grades for a long time did reflect something about me to some extent. My weakest subject going by grades was mathematics, the subject on which all achievement in my present line of work and future career will depend on. I thankfully do have a decent enough ability in mathematics, so my future isn't as bleak as one would think... but at the time I did accept the label. I did let it define what I thought about myself, and what I could do.

Nothing motivated me until late October that year, when I stumbled across an article by Stephen Hawking. He explained some stuff about black holes. He mentioned the "holographic principle" in a line. He talked about String theory resolving a problem he had for many years about the "information paradox". All these fancy words, theories and concepts seemed interesting, but apart from being new aspects of the world for me, it didn't do much. But another thing he was talking about a lot was quantum mechanics, and specifically its implication on our understanding of physics. He was building up to what quantum mechanics had to say about "spacetime", and even he was just making guesses as no concrete theory exists on it. Now this quantum stuff was really stroking my mind the right way! He did end this article by saying that despite saying since the 80's that "the end of physics was near", he was quite sure that the end was really near THIS time, i.e. string theory would be completely solved. He was wrong, and I didn't get most of it. But that quantum stuff sure as hell was interesting!
While I sucked at most things, I did know how to use torrents. A quick search of "quantum textbook" on the site demonoid.com at the time got me a bunch of physics book torrents. In the collection was a book by David Griffiths that really hooked me. Something about his style of presentation in asking pertinent questions every now and then and then proceeding to answer them really appealed to me. I started with the last chapter to get an idea of what quantum mechanics was really "all about". It conjured up thoughts in my mind. I couldn't get around the idea of how the computer table in front of me was solid, but if I were to zoom in, it wouldn't be so "dense". I had a perverse idea of quantum mechanics at the time and imagined that  there really was this "wavy" reality to it - actual waviness. How could both of these be true? What was the table... really? That's the first time a "really" question even occurred in my head.. as far as I can remember. At least it was the first time I asked it with this severe an intent. His book on Electrodynamics furthered this new questioning phase, specifically the only chapter I was truly interested in reading at the time - the last one on Special relativity. I realized what I thought I knew earlier about the theory was wrong, but what the theory actually had to say was far more fascinating. Changing your speed altered your perception about space and time - when and where an event occurred, the scale of objects and the passage of time (All the words I'm using here correspond to the thoughts I had at the time. They are NOT terms I'd use now. If they are wholly wrong, I'll correct it, or call it "perverse" as I did earlier. Else I will forgive my 18 year old self  ;) ). The theory mandated that things were relative. But was it? I really wanted to know how to figure out the answer to these questions. I knew that the way things seemed depended on the scale, or your frame... things looked a certain way depending on the "frame" you chose (by "frame" here I thought both a "small scale frame", and a frame moving at a higher velocity. It depends on the what "reality" we were concerned with - the fuzziness of objects, or the fact that they can expand and compress). Well then, which frame could be more correct, and why? The answer came a month later to me while I was walking my dog  (It ought to have come sooner, but I relied heavily on incubation at that point in time... I had no understanding and ideas to work with). If you look at things from one "frame" and it explains more things than some other "frame", it ought to be more correct. I thought about why General Relativity is "more correct" than Newton's idea - it simply explained more phenomena than Newton's could. It incorporated more. Can one special relativity frame explain more than some other? Nope, they're all equally valid, and it truly is "all relative" here. Does the quantum frame explain more. Yes. Quantum can explain Classical, but not vice versa. I remember this thought occurring to me in early December, and I wasn't as elated as I was then since the time before I was a teenager! What a damn rush!

All of this happened, but not a thought on my future. Not a thought on who I am, who I should be, and so on. That thought train had to wait till a week before Xmas. I began to try questioning my own personal and social reality. I was bothered about why I hadn't learned some of the stuff in math and physics the way I did, as it really was so EASY. Calculus was EASY... why didn't I get to learn from Apostol? Physics was EASY... why didn't I get to understand those damn formulas for Electrostatics? Those bastards at school simply taught us rules, and gave us no understanding. Their grades have no value, I thought. What did it mean to have a degree saying you have 95% marks or 50% when you really don't know much a week after the exam is done, or understand anything in general? ... Nothing! It's not something that indicates anything meaningful about you, it's just a.... a "label". I remember having felt cheated and lied to. I was made to believe something had more meaning that it actually did, and the belief in that meaning influenced who I was and what I attempted. And why DID I get cheated and fooled this way? Answer - Because I didn't bother to question what those damned pieces of paper really were.... I didn't bother to ask the basic question - "Does this report mean anything, and if so, why?" . Had I just bothered to ask this simple question, my perception of things and my self confidence would have been totally different! I should have known what really is, and then should have based my life decisions around that! If I did that, I probably would have been totally different right now and not so lost! I probably wouldn't have lost so much OF so much; time among other things! If I do that, I have nothing to fear, because I'm basing it on reality... something I can defend anywhere, and to anyone. All I have to do is get informed, be honest about what it has to say and find the most general framework, and ask questions. That's... it!
                                                                                         *CLICK*
I had that thought the week before Xmas, but I have no idea on what date. It was either a Tuesday or a Thursday. Either way, it was the most significant thought I had in defining the kind of person I would be from then on till now, and will probably be for the rest of my life. Even if the thought won't end up being so important in the future (which I doubt), it started a path that got me to understand the scientific method, and the appreciation of THAT will never leave me for the rest of my life, for sure! I called the moment a "click", but really... it was a "pop". Realizing I could understand reality and defend it in the face of whatever society had to say by questioning "them" and showing them to be wrong made me feel damn good for some reason. It wasn't just my present mind that popped into existence, it was also my balls.

P.S: The thought may seem trivial to most, and perhaps it is. To question the validity of societal labels is not so big perhaps. But it was to me. For me it wasn't just the matter of questioning... but also the scale and intensity of it - the whole magnitude of the error that can result by not doing it, and the massive implications it can have on a person's life if they choose to buy into the bullshit. I didn't have any friends or social situation of any kind at the time.... it simply went into hibernation. All of this was quite ideal in setting the stage up for my development... which despite all my present imperfections (not surprisingly- social being the most significant one) has led to me getting at least something right!

The most infamous moment involving me from my University days.

This video was recorded in my first year, first semester... nearly 3 years ago. Back in those days... well, kind of like these days (and come to think of it... always) , I did't care much about my appearance. But on this particular day, my belt snapped, and since I didn't want my jeans to be by my ankles...  I just tied whatever was left of my belt around my waist in a seemingly harmless knot. I didn't do this in front of a mirror, and so unbeknownst to me the end result appeared .... somewhat peculiar, to put it mildly. What's going on in the video is that I'm trying to contact the lab assistant in our department to get the keys for the lab... in order to get the bag of a fellow student/friend who had left it in there (It was near closing time of the department). The one whose bag is inside is the one who is carrying around a broken remnant of my belt at the start of the video (.. for some mysterious reason). Anyway.... you need to watch till near the end of the video (at 2:07 to be precise) to get what the hub-bub was about. This incident is infamously known as "the belt incident".

Update: I should have corrected the title, but I think it's better for me to clarify further out here. The titles validity really depends on what one calls "infamous". Was there really an incident as whacky as me running around stark naked in the 9th grade in my school (for a reason I shall not mention here)? Nope. university was far more sober for me. But, there have been moments where "the usual things" did happen... like pissing off lecturers for all the WRONG reasons, leading to me debating them in the classroom. Other usual things are crazy observational moments like these ... of which this is the most memorable I guess... rather than "infamous". Arguably however, by any measure, the most infamous moment is where I pissed off the whole senior batch in my University, to the point that they wanted to gang up on me. While I was ready to "go down fighting as long as I took some of them down", I had something at the time I have never been able to count on for much of my life - friends. Yes.... they had my back. The wolf in this rare moment was not alone. He had a pack of sorts.Enough of this.... on to the incident.
Every year our department hosts an event.... a festival, with games, quizzes, plays,etc... and food. The freshers normally host and plan the thing, and the seniors provide some input, help and general cooperation (Masters is a two year course here... so we just have freshers and seniors, but some PhD students come in the "seniors" bracket as well).  In our year, the seniors were being a pain in every way possible. Some of them refused to pay the amount per student as was calculated to get the event going, some of them tried to bully their way and ideas into some events... which annoyed me not only due to it happening, but also for the "freshers" wimping out all the time. All the while I stood on the sidelines. I was only affiliated with the quiz event, and it was just me and my friends doing the whole thing. No one messed with us... for whatever reason. But while the festival was going, some of the seniors were protesting the details of the 'Aantakshari' event (Aantakshari being a game where you sing a song, and the next team/person continues with another song starting with the ending syllable of the previous teams song). Now, I hate the game in general and would not have participated (and did not later on) in my wildest dreams,  but having them boycott the event on the day of the event, chiefly because of a chosen professor not being involved because the prof was busy... just pissed me off. When I see something beyond a certain level of stupidity, I always take it upon myself  to talk and act and get some "non stupid" result. So I went in the room, and started talking to this "representative" for the seniors. After thoroughly criticizing his views on the matter at hand, and showing how they were unreasonable and/or illogical, he decided the best way to go was not logic, but an idiotic phrase (which had no point in being said, and made no sense since I had addressed the issues he brought up and showed him to be a total douche nozzle). He said "To make a clap, you need two hands". I responded " First" , and then without saying anything snapped my fingers onto the base of my palm and made a clapping sound. He made a disgusted face at this. I followed the demonstration by saying " Second, while I would call the freshers a hand, I wouldn't call the seniors that. They're by demonstrated overwhelming evidence, some other body part". He didn't seem offended at this, and I thought he didn't get it to be honest. He just left seconds later, and I felt quite accomplished. I thought that I had done it once again - If I couldn't reason with the irrational opponent, I verbally put him in his place. Next thing I know.... as in ten minutes later, as I was enjoying a snack outside near the badminton court, out storms the "representative" with some fifteen odd seriously pissed off seniors. They stop, the representative points at me, and I just look right back at them with a face suggesting "Great. More stupidity". They storm towards me... but stop just short. They decide to go straight to the person/ our batch mate next to me. Incidentally, this person they went to, my classmate, was "running the show" .... not because she was elected to do so, but rather due to the manifestation of her megalomaniacal tendencies and her desire to be in charge of all things in general. (That, and our near collective fresher desire to have nothing to do with the stupid event; she was the only one that gave a damn ). Anyway, so they're talking to her at earshot from me about me calling them "asses". This offended me for two reasons - 1) I clearly meant they were dicks, and the freshers and seniors had a relationship that could at best be described as "jerking off"! Ass? What the hell? What kind of relationship could that mean? At best one could say that our department is a shit factory, and the seniors are the ones that are "pushed out" into this toilet of a world. But still, that would make them shit ... not ass, and why would the freshers in any case as hands be in contact with them?! (Doesn't anyone get my comedic brilliance, I thought at the time.) And 2) I'm right fucking there! Don't be a rude shit/ass/dick... or whatever you consider yourself to be.If you have a problem with something I said, clarify it with me. I'm more than happy to explain it.  So I walk up to the gang and ask them once " Excuse me, is there a problem?" . They ignore me collectively. Man... to be ignored by one person is easy enough, but either I pissed them off so badly that none of them wanted to look at me.... OR they planned that none of them would look or talk to me. Either way... I pissed them off quite a bit  :D . So I go further " I couldn't help overhearing, and I think you're talking about me". One of them, "Mr. I" says "We're not talking to you". I retort "That may be, but I'M talking to you! I'd be happy to clarify any doubts you may have about what I said". At this, the guy mumbles with some of the others, and they approach me looking insanely pissed. I crack my knuckles and think "Woohoo! A fight!". At this point, those party poopers I call friends intervene. One goes ahead and talks to "Mr.I" and tries to take the group with him, with considerable success. Another friend tries to convince me to walk away. I boldly proclaim that I have no problem discussing any matter, and if it goes somewhere else... I can handle that to some effect as well. Finally, being coerced with a promise of coffee... I leave. After this,... my mind was horrified at how people form groups over anything. It made no sense in saying "the seniors are acting like this or that" to mean ALL seniors. I clearly meant the jackasses that were acting as such, and only mentioned the term "seniors" because that's how it was being discussed with me by their "representative". I came up with an idea that we (me and my friends) should call ourselves "The Shangles" (word just popped in my mid for no reason), and that should anyone say anything bad about the Shangles anywhere, we'll just gang up on them and threaten to beat them. Doesn't matter if it made sense or not, or if it was harmless. We'd just be looking to kick ass. I must in the interest of honesty admit that this incident did end up fucking with my mind some days later. I end up thinking about things obsessively to figure out more rules and patterns, to extract as many lessons and ideas as I can. Something in that thought process did affect me. But on the given day, it was just bemusement and jokes all around, with my friends nervously looking over their backs, secretly thinking about how much of a social n00by dumb ass I am to get into shit like this.

The Devil Within

An explosion of anger and hatred,
Blowing out steam when its boiling hot,
No consideration, cares about nothing,
Flowing violent truth on the whole fucking lot

Cross my mind once, you'll feel the wrath,
That was bottled up deep inside, but poorly,
World is black and white, you'd better be right,
Be prepared for a scene that's perfectly gory

I wish I were calm, that I was under control,
Try my best at most times to keep it under wraps,
Sometimes however, the shit gets too much,
My mind loses out to the lost soul in the gaps

His pain and anger seems to have no bound,
Feels cheated and robbed, he scowls and frowns,
Sees red, feels yellow, yet darkness abounds,
Wishes for death, but will take everyone down

This then is my Devil within,
A dozen Hail Mary's couldn't get him back in,
I pray that I find, that God in my mind,
That will vanquish this demon, and salvage my life

Waking Life

I would give anything to go back 2 years, 5 months and 4 days back.... I would double that to go roughly 8 years back. The consequences of choices in these periods haunt my waking hours as much as they do my dreams, in some form or another, and never to an intensity that is in any way remotely insignificant. Whatever I do, the slate is never clean; the memory never gone. All my "wisdom" and knowledge, all my understanding to make sense of it ... that this in a very consequential way had to be, doesn't in any way make me not wish so strongly that I had done the improbable at those times. Some were less improbable than others, some were just elementary bad choices with a severe, catastrophic runaway effect. The wish to redo is all the same. It sounds terrible coming from me, for I wished that all that thinking, all this logic and honesty that I have exercised to some slight capacity, would have provided closure and growth and helped avoid resentment. But how strongly I feel it now... in this period, a psychological cancer consuming me so mercilessly. While there are good days and bad days, the trend undoubtedly is that it is getting worse with time. I still believe (and hope) that being as honest as one can with oneself is what will save anyone. To accept and try to move on with a thought out plan .. a solution, and to accept the unforeseeable deviations and setbacks that may result from following it. The only thing I can hope to do, the only solution I see... is to make my environment as honest a reflection of my reality as I can manage, and hopefully find the strength to survive in this world despite what my heart and mind will agonizingly scream out from the abyss. I hope to find the "general answer" some day , and on that day I hope I give enough of  a damn to overcome the cynical side of me so that I might bother to share it (the main thing that got me started on this journey so long ago).

Someone's totally fictitious 2 year journey inside the perilous labyrinth of love

• Hmmm, this woman is really interesting. She has the potential to be my best friend.
• What the fuck? She wants to kiss me? She's kissing me. Ok... this is weird
• Think (narrator), what have you got to lose in all of this? Well, everything... your mind and heart. But... but, think of the reward! What if it works! I'll do it! *resumes kissing*
• I'm so much at peace! Plus making out is awesome! Physics and studies... what me worry? What me CARE?!!
• Errmmm... I think ... I think I'm in love with you. I can't stop thinking about you and want you around all the time.
• Yes, we're in a relationship. But I prefer not to think of it that way. Too binding... it ruins everything.
• We are SO in a relationship. I'm hers and she's mine! Woo HOOooOOO! Nothing can fuck me now.
• Babe... I need to think about physics and my future for a while. I'm not getting the time for the studies... my future will be fucked if I go on this way. I need a month or two to really crack down.
• Welcome back babe. Let's find that apartment you need.
• Awesome. You've got that job you need to have. Now you can feel "complete".. like you wanted.
• Cool... you've got your place. But ... it's not cool if I "stay" stay here? You don't want me to pay the rent, since I stay in the city... but I can visit? Errmm... ok.
• Hon, what's wrong? Ok... nothing. Are you sure?  ... Hon... you don't need to scream. I'll give you your space. I was just asking.
• Yes hon, I'll move my bag from the side of the bed and keep it in the corner. Sorry for forgetting.
• Ok hon... you're stressed. But you are yelling at everyone and losing your temper a lot. Maybe the job and the studies is getting too much to handle.
• Oh hon... so sorry you quit your job. But you do look more relaxed. (person a): Yeah, she looks so relaxed. She's the old (beloved) again. *group hug*
• Hmmm... we're only happy when we're in bed. We don't talk much anymore, she doesn't share much. It's just the stress I guess. It'll be better once all of this is done... whenever that is. Think long term.
• Picking up your old boyfriend from another city because of a promise you made to him a while back. It's ok. It's cool. I'm understanding. Go ahead.
• (Others): I don't know how he's so cool through all of this. I would be f*in batshit. *Narrator is honest enough to admit he's a little (cough) disturbed. He would not be if "they" were happily together though.. at the time*
• We're going on a trip tomorrow. This was distant, but nice. I love you
• Ok... why aren't you talking me now? You want your space I guess, but I don't get why you're happy with everyone else BUT me?!
• And we're back. Fuck that trip added more of a barrier between us. Things are really strained.
• What?! You're breaking up with me?! This is FUCKED UP! I have put up with shit in all of this and said absolutely nothing! No one else would have done the same! And after all of that... THIS! Fuck this shit! *storms out.... rides 25 kms to his own place*
• *immediately rides the 25 kms back* I'm sorry I acted like that. It was too much for me to handle. I'll try to be more mature, and accept this as just things not working out rather than a "rejection".
• Ok... I'm still coming over to this place. Why? I still want things to work out... but it's over. Meh... I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My life is absolutely shit. Hasn't been this shitty in years.
• "No, it's no problem. I don't mind sleeping alone on a mattress in the living room. It's cool." What the fuck am I DOING?!!! 
• Oh you came out. No... no... I was just falling asleep. Wait.... don't go. Please. I love you. *kiss*
• Ok... so we're done, but not done. We're getting the milk for free. That's fine. 
• Fine... so we are going out. It's nice and mellow. Lacks the sparks of round 1. We argue more often. But we've grown. Yea... that's it. We're more evolved now. The worst is behind us. It's only going to get better from now on.... eventually. 
• Oh. So you left town because you couldn't stand me anymore, you had a breakdown of sorts, and now that you are set back in your studies, you resent me even more? I've compounded on the resentment over you having left your job. You left that job because of me, because I couldn't give you space by not saying a word, becoming transparent, and only responding when spoken to? Oh fuck... this doesn't bode well for me. Ok ... women are weird. From now on I won't yell, curse or get upset anymore over anything around her.... no negative emotion display. I'll be my mellowest best. And absolutely NO honest talk with her. Good bye truth, good bye crying. She'll be better now.
• We're working it out right? It's much better isn't it? Anyway... it FEELS much better for me. She seems better. *shrugs* 
• YAY! I am done with this fucking University. Goodbye hell. Hello vacations. Oh, you're going home again. That's cool. I'll be looking to work with some professors anyway.
• Alright! Some guy in Chennai has taken me! And I love it here. But I miss you so much. Hmm... that's ok. You don't need to tell me anything. Less is more... I guess.
• I'm back! Man... doing the project and preparing for the tests simultaneously would not have been possible. It would have only gotten harder and more demanding in time. I'm just going to focus on the tests.
• Ok. I WISH there was fighting! It's mostly dead air nowadays. Unemotional. Why doesn't she love me? I've tried to do everything she wanted me to do. Can't she see that I've evolved? She says she does... but acts like she doesn't.
• The bed is the only good thing these days. Hmm... you have a nice new apartment, and the new roommates are nice. 
• Crap. My entrances thus far have gone bust. But I'm trying. What?! You've been avoiding me.. FOR me? To give me the "study space" I need?  *That's considerate I guess.... but if I had you, I wouldn't care if the world ended tomorrow, leave alone a stupid exam*
• Fuck. Our friend threw noodles on me because I jokingly called her a drunk. This is a bit fucked up. I'm apologizing my ass off... and I've really done nothing wrong. Don't people get jokes any more?! This is insane. I've done nothing wrong, but I'm apologizing. See... everyone says I did nothing wrong, and she probably acted that way because she was drunk. Our friend was drunk - that's it. But why do I feel bad? Yes... I need to explain off and resolve everything *Narrator often forgets key points sometimes - You can't reason with a drunk person ... sometimes*
• Ok, you don't need to call me when your friends are called over anymore. No... I'm fine. You're feeling fine and I can discuss anything? Ok... I resent the fact that we aren't sharing anything anymore. What is this? What do we have really? What are we?  .... What?!!!! What do you mean there is no us anymore? Yes, you did tell me you don't see us as something in the future, and it's really commitment that's keeping "us" together... but still, I thought there was some scope for the future. I 'm really trying my best every time I open my mouth and speak in this allowed decibel level, with pre-approved words to not upset you or "hurt" you, I try my hardest to watch whatever I say rather than being honest... and I am working on all those habits and actions I have that you don't approve of. Does that mean nothing? Ok... you've made it very clear that you don't see a future or anything else for that matter... and are trying to give it a chance as friends. But then why prolong this facade? What is THIS?! We're either friends, or we're something more. Which is it? What are we? Tell me once and for all... because I really am at the end of my tether this time. I've tried and tried, and at this point in time I am really tired. I have nothing more to give. I'm spent. And I've unfortunately come at a logical conclusion that this cannot work out, and when I come to a logical conclusion... it is beyond my ability to overcome it unless I learn something FANTASTICALLY new. So decide.
• Ok.. that was quick. Fine, we're done. I'm at peace. I've thought it through, and I had closure logically. It can't go on.
• Yes, it's nice for you to meet up with me. Yes, my exam is in a few days, and boy have I been working since you've been gone! I miss you emotionally, I still long for you, and I still love you.... but logically, it's done, it's resolved - it won't work out unless something new is attempted. Glad to see you're happy with me... that's refreshing. She's smiling... god how I miss her! How I wish....! But it won't work. Oh... you love me too, but find it too hard with me? That's ok. *Wait... why is this hug turning into a kiss. Fuck it... I'm not kissing back. Stand stilll ... just freeze. Good boy.. well done! You've finally grown a pair!*
• YES! I somehow cleared the merit list despite my crazy mistakes! NOTHING can ruin this mood I'm in now! Let's see you try God! You eff with me a lot fate... but I am on a huge high, and killing this mood is impossible! Fuck yea, 98 percentile! I'm getting called for interviews everywhere!
  What's that I just heard you say mutual friend, aka person a? Don't try to fool me! You can't. I'm not an idiot, though many may think so. Is it what I think it is?
  *Person a nods*
  Person a: "I can't tell you though... I promised her."
  Narrator: Ok... she's dating her roommate. FUUUUUuuuuuuUUUUCCK!!!! *bangs head on wall*
  
  The End. 

Update: I thought I'd add the song here that I was singing to myself for almost a month, right from the end of my trip to Bangladesh up to the Allahabad fiasco. I caught myself singing it AGAIN today... so yea, it's still playing in my head. Quite an appropriate song ...

An update. And shit. And hellos.

Well, I guess it's been a fairly long time. I do miss a lot of you internet peeps; you very interesting bunch of quite remarkable people. Ultimately, the reason for my absence is due to nothing more than laziness.... or to put it more mildly for me, a simple lack of capacity on my part to be able to do everything I'd want to do in a single day. But far from being engaged in some very important work that will make my societal life more secure, leave alone progress the world I live in, I've been doing nothing more than loafing around and doing my course work which in the best of descriptions can be put as "half-assed".
I guess something else needs to be mentioned before I carry on. Well, I'm in love, and in a relationship. I always have a hard time defining these things, but yes... I technically have a girlfriend, and we are "going out". I find it much better to just resort to defining these things as "we both love each other" - that's the only real thing. Everything else often feels like needlessly imposed labels and a bit of "security measure bullshit". But never mind. The point being that I was kind of lost. My desires of being a physicist and doing physics, which while still present, have not manifested into anything I consider "real". The academic circles, as all those who have festered in it long enough know, is nothing more than pretentious nonsense that ultimately does not serve the purpose it should be serving, and has more to do with politics and power than with anything else. This I long since knew, but perhaps the degree of it all... as well as being very knee deep in it at this critical juncture in my life, has made it all the more poignant. I was expecting something a bit spicy, but instead got a bowlful of chilly flakes and jalapenos drizzled in tabasco sauce. Yeah, that's poignant alright. As far as my place in society is concerned, my present position is no more awkward in comparison to what I had imagined when I began, than a circus monkey clanging his cymbals is in a high budget porn film starring a confused Mel Gibson, screaming on his phone for his lawyer. In case this sounds like sour grapes, I should mention that as far as academic labels are concerned, things have not been "bad"... though they were lower than my expectations. I'm merely bothered by the way the outside world is.
But really, let me be honest in saying that quite a lot of this is bullshit. The stone cold truth is I can do and become whatever the hell I want to become quite independent of my silly, pointless, "circling around faster and faster, until the head goes into the ass" society. We all know this. We all know that ultimately, we control who and what we are. The real person that we become, defined by our actions and abilities, are strictly under our control. With the age of the internet, accessing the required information to grow in whatever department is no longer an issue in the hands of our dear, moronic society. I need not have a million bucks to buy some rare text on physics or literature... but rather, I could download it for free. I could download how to books, books that teach you how to play with instruments (and yourself, if that's your thing), music, movies and cultural bits to make me appreciate beyond the crap promoted by the mainstream media... you get the point. A GOOD chunk of that "real development" can be acquired quite easily these days, and much of it for free. But, I seem to have been bitten a bit by the apathy bug. My beloved would rather you believe that the laziness came first, and the apathy is merely a mental invention to remain in that oddly pleasant and somewhat comfortable state of inaction. I would say she's right were it not for the fact that if something does bite my ass (symbolically, and cymbally speaking), I do get on to doing the required action. If I believe in something quite strongly, or better yet, if the action involves someone I do love, I always do whatever action is necessary in order to ensure the best outcome. The simple fact is then, that I both don't love myself enough, and that I don't believe in myself or my cause too much either... right now.
Besides, she has become the most real thing to me right now. She alone can actually motivate me to take better care of my health, which I've let slip away for a good 4 years till now. It's only since the past week or so that I've bothered to find my old weights and dumbbells and get back to working out. I'm doing my physics now however, more out of a sense of duty (to finish the job I set out to do), than one of purpose.
So yes, that's quite enough about me. I hope that YOUR shit is hanging well, and has the required moisture,texture and bacterial content of a well formed turd, and the fragrance of a bouquet of fresh tulips from Holland. I wish your turds are so well formed, that toilet paper is made obsolete... for their passing, apart from being effortless, leaves a stainless and spotless (though squeaky) backside. Forgive me peppe's.. toilet humour is in my blood, and my brain swims in brackish urine. What I mean to hope, is that your life is going well.... at least all things considered, and if not, I hope it does soon. Don't give up hope. Hmm, let me deal with some of you individually.
1)Obsquatch- I hope your life is going ok. Last I read, you had some awful sinuses were more clogged up than your balls. You need to unclog them both promptly my man. Might I suggest our old tried and true remedy, of verbally assaulting turd dicks through comments, and feeding off their stupidity like a starving pelican does on a hapless pidgeon
2)Heather Maria - In Canada eh? Good... I guess. May the force be with you in obliterating stalkers and haters. If only your boobs through some remarkable transformation on smoking a few million cigarettes, allowed your nipples to shoot laser beams to burn out brains and eyes. Yes, if only. Sounds like a pretty good comic idea to me.
3) Krumbine- Yes, nothing like talking and thinking about comics to bring you up. You horbawrong grandson of a motherless bastard! I hope your business and enterprise are steaming ahead almost as good as your poop. Your tolerance with YouTube would make Mahatma Gandhi look like George Bush trying to uncork a wine bottle, who in his inebriated state, considered it to have some more Jack Daniels. Stay creative.. and stay tolerant. (And send me more shirts for this, you fucker!)
4)Ibrahim- Where the fuck are you man?! Anyway, all mild greetings aside, I hope you are fine, and that the shits strong with you as well. Statistically speaking, the shit can't be great for everyone. It's part of the poop balance, or the poop matrix. Some may blame the food, but really, it's all based on several factors - the colon, your sphincter, the humidity and temperature, fluids, solids, liquids and gases. Most people blame poop on one or two things, missing the complexity behind what makes a good poopsicle. Ok, I really don't know why I'm going on so faecetiously, but in all sincerity, I hope you are well. You truly are a remarkable person... don't forget that and accept crap dished out by others or by society.*taps nose*
5)Tim "The Hairy Geek"- What can I say? I'm flattered that my written diarrhea has made you a follower. Yes, like Obsquatch, you too enjoy the blunt art of troll bashing, and that makes you warm my liver like no rum can, my good fellow. I take it the bashing is going well these days as well. Apart from your skill, your general "do", is what I perhaps like the most. Till recently (actually... yesterday), I too was quite "the hairy geek". After nine requests from "my beloved", I decided to get a hair cut and a shave.


The barber claimed I looked a good 15 years younger. I could upload both images, but I think I'll just upload the hairy one. As all of us know... it's best to be remembered at our hairiest (and more fun). [I know I look pissed, perhaps a bit constipated. I mean... wouldn't you if you looked like that?! I could upload a pic with me a little more cheerful, but that wouldn't show me at the last few moments of the hairiest I've been this year thus far]

There are others. Emma, Anglobap,Jen, Kat, Dep, B, ... and on and on. I could go on, but you get the gist of it... I wish things are well, and will go well in the near future. I simply wish this in general, since I don't know shit about what's going on with most of you these days. I'd love to hear from some of you, and I'll try to get online more these days in order to catch up on stuff, especially now that I've got my "vacations".

Till next time, ciao.

Me?

Fuck it. This is probably going to be the worst rigmarole I'll ever produce. It's going to be long and it's going to be painfully blunt, but it's going to be relevant. Everything tangential shall be put at the end in case the topic interests you. It's something of a confession; it's me stripping before you with some cheesy porn music playing in the background. Here goes....

I want to do physics. I can't. I want to do physics not because I desire to do so (I mean in a genuine and one track sense) , but because it's most consistent with my beliefs. There is no real, raw, powerful curiosity propelling me forward... or in any case it's not dominant in my thoughts. My thoughts revolve around my true desires and longings, which are rather earthly, and which I'll get to in a moment. There is a rather strange form of "self-insignificance", one that has been tenderly nurtured by society to its present form. I can't live for me... I just can't, or rather I should say I can't live for a purpose where it is me that benefits at the end of it. My life will be selfish no matter what I do. I realized this long ago. But if those actions yield something that has a greater significance than just making my stupid 70 year old odd life more comfortable, by me having certain labels and trinkets that really mean nothing and do nothing other than upgrade me in a stupid social game, then it would be for the better. It would only be under such a circumstance that I COULD bother to live. Why this is is presently not relevant, but like most people, upbringing had a big part in it.... nature took care of the rest.

I was born to brood, and was bred to die. I'm a poet; forgive me ... I can't help it. I don't care much for this trait. I can see and imagine ridiculous things, which when coupled with my aforementioned trait, leads to some pretty crazy written material. This written material seems to amuse a few. I guess I'm funny. I say this since I don't know what funny really is other than an odd combination of surprise and twisted reality, but I do know that when you are funny you ought to make a good cross section of people laugh quite a lot of the time. I like making this happen at absurd costs. It gives me a reason to live when there often isn't anything else.
I worship truth, but the basis for this worship isn't so noble. Plagued by insecurity, looking at things from a knowledgeable and impersonal base served a way of looking beyond what others could see, and helped me find flaws in their arguments, judgments, reasonings and opinions. It empowered me, and I got addicted to it. At about the same time as this got a hold of me, I started to value what lay beyond everyday reality... the true underlying reality. It sounds Einsteinian, but really it had more of an anthropomorphic basis... the consideration of the possibility of fate and destiny; human events happening for a reason... yes, superstitious bullshit was a part of it, but certainly not all of it (Quantum mechanics was the rest). Education and "the consistency principle" (truth and reality is consistent) had shown me not too long after that such thoughts are childish. Feelings and thoughts merged to produce a person who is secure at the cost of being impersonal and detached. The need to belong and to be loved however hasn't been cured. My experiences have made me believe I am incapable of being loved. If it it was not possible for my closest friends and family to understand me ... or rather I should say, my labels and past indiscretions, after I explained it to them... then how can I expect strangers or anyone else to be capable of it***. Experience has confirmed that as people get closer to who I am, as well as knowledge of some of these labels, they choose to be farther away. The truth is I neither belong to the group of people who have really lived and had a lot of fun experiences, nor to those who have really tried to achieve a lot. The proof is my nature. Most could handle just fine I should think, in life under the constraints I was in, without having to become some fucking caterpillar and go into a cocoon... only to come out with some self empowering perspective where I fly over everyone's head. People take more before they crack.... people take more before they die. I however, was.. and to a large extent, am clearly weak, someone who could not handle the relatively slight heat at the time when people handled much more. This fact makes me feel small, and I often wonder what ridiculous achievement in the present or future will ever enable me to overcome this feeling of inadequacy produced by the non-actions of my past. These arise only when I am in a group of people, and these force me to go far away. I simply don't belong.
I say I'm not looking for love, and this is partially true. I think love is stupid... forgive me lovers. I think you are all delusional and see what you want to see, and are so narrowly aware of certain things that you miss the bigger picture. When I like or dislike something, when I experience something ... I always ask myself what would happen under different circumstances. I want to know the fine print, while most are content with the package as shown. This would make something like love (for another person) difficult for me in any case, for it requires me to trust and be selfless; it requires me losing myself to this person... something I cannot really do completely when I find out that she'd leave me if she knew this ... or that, or if her assumption here was shown to be false, and so on. It's too much of a hassle, and it's too fake.... like being drugged up for a while. I personally would accept reality for what it is and be sad for a bit while I figured out what was required of me to get out of the problem, than be happy in some make believe world where happiness depends on me not testing the conditions of this relationship, which were it tested... it would surely fail except with the most remarkable of people. Yes, I am painfully cynical as well. It's just my nature.

But I would be lying if I said this was it. This perspective is relatively recent. No, there is something deeper. The truth is I can't stand rejection. As people get closer, they grab hold of you more and more, such that when they go away they rip you apart. Just faintly recalling the instances of rejection right now by those I cared about has plunged my heart into some tar pit; some void. It actually feels like this. So were I less aware and less mentally dominating than I am today, I would still not go there with the exception of some extreme circumstances. I would still not look for her... for to find her would mean certain pain, the kind of which I am not ready to experience. Not now... and certainly not then. Maybe it could have been possible if I didn't know what I do now... but I can't fool myself in important matters anymore (and be happy about it).
The last significant piece of the puzzle - I can't stand fooling myself. I screwed myself in the past by assuming and expecting things that were not true, by not seeing the complete picture. I got my emotions and my mind wrapped up in things in a disproportionate way. I didn't bother to ask what would make me happy; I didn't bother to realize I can't have EVERYTHING. I was naive and stupid, a dangerous combination. My perspective makes me make sense of the world. Recently, in an internal examination whose results are going better than expected, but which are still pretty damn bad (a natural consequence of the amount of preparation put in, mind you), I had something of a "truth crisis". I couldn't resolve how a day's preparation is all that separated me from two completely different labels. It was, as I put in an analogy to a friend (or rather, a person becoming a friend) a few hours ago, as if drinking a cup of water is all that separated you from a weighing scale saying you're 60 kilos or 120 kilos. It so happens that both the scale and label it produces are wrong, and that our sense of worth... our weight, has to be determined in some other way, irregardless of how well accepted the system and the interpretations of the labels are. I have no problem breaking down what the marks do mean... I've been doing it for three years when I've been up on the scale... but it tires me to explain it over and over, and it can't be done for an infinite sea of non-thinkers. It bothered me then, as it bothers me now. It wouldn't have if what was put into question here was the integrity of our abilities... which should be independent of the societal circumstances. Truth to me, as far as self is concerned, involves having the same nature independent of social and societal factors. I've narrowed it down to this definition... again as far as oneself is concerned.* I aim to be something consistent, irregardless of social circumstances.** There could be some aspects muted at some time (like my ability to crack a few stupid jokes), which are there but not called for by my environment. What should never happen (and I will indeed say should), is me being inconsistent with my beliefs through my actions. The real challenge for me however is that of overcoming thoughts to be consistent with truth, and this with all my sacrifices and mental efforts and reminders, has just not happened. Desires still preoccupy me.

I guess the heart wants what it wants, even if at the end of it lies a submersion into a tar pit. I'm beginning to accept this as an aspect to me. My present growth in my ability in physics is allowing me to feel more relaxed and not be so ... rigid. I'm thinking that relaxing a bit might be the right thing to do.. but sensible relaxation, ever aware of what's most important. No escapism. No binges. I need not disappear from the internet, or shut all people out. I am presently fooling myself a little... a teensie, weensie, WEEEEEEENSIE bit, with a few people in real life. I think I'll add a couple of people I know online to this "group" as well. My heart has been set to oscillate above a bubbling tar pit upon realizing I can have in depth discussions with them on either physics or philosophy, and in the case of a recent addition, both. I think this inclusion won't last long, ... that the dip into the pit is but a few moments away, certain to happen if I could magically reveal all that I am... but I'm for once not listening to my mind. Life's good! I'm happy to be alive. Bubble away tar pit, bubble away. My mind really is a bitch.



Fuck, I have outdone myself this time haven't I? My volume keeps increasing; there is no limit. If only my textual extensions matched my sexual ones, I'd make a blue whale turn white (elephant).


* Truth in any other case can either be a synonym for reality, or for the set of underlying laws for a particular system. Of late I've been thinking again about what it means to be "real", that being in a social setting is a different environment altogether from one where you're all alone... and as such the consequences will be different. We ought to necessarily act differently when in public than when we are in private, that neither is any more real than the other... but both are nothing more than the consequences of ourselves placed in different settings. This is true provided you want to follow the path of least resistance, the path of most comfort. In that case, we end up doing many things that are flawed, wrong and incorrect with respect to what we believe and think, and just go with the flow. We could end up doing many things that make us feel miserable on the inside over the course of time. The opposite is to be principled and have character. I can't end this with some happy conclusion, for shocking as this may sound, I really don't know in general which path is better for an arbitrary individual - the path of immediate gratification, least resistance and potential destruction, or the path of self denial, courage and potential achievement. I don't think absolutes are good for anyone, though one should try to see if it helps. Experiment away to know yourself.


** I strive to have a nature, a set of thoughts and ideas... all internal, such that the results from this shows me to have a certain skill and ability. In this case only, does label= reality. Imagine a test on your ability to walk. Those of us with able legs will pass very well on any test where we're asked to walk in circles, in a straight line, over a slightly funny path on some strange terrain and so on (If you're saying certain bow legged folks, and folks who are drunk can't manage it... if you're that picky, then fuck you. There's no such thing as a perfect analogy, so stop being so anal about my shit O_o. Play along wonchye?) . So here, the ability to walk is real, and the test actually reflects this mastery. What presently happens is that there are a set of bums who roll around, who a day or a week before the exam manage to drink some coffee... and with this they can wobble around on two legs for some time. Others manage to grab hold of some of these wobblers in a cheeky way and cheat the onlooker into thinking he or she can walk... and there are some who are fortunate that a smooth slope designed for their legs was involved in the test, that enabled them to walk alright (whose result would be drastically different under some other testing circumstance). This then is the problem, in the form of an analogy. Were I to have done really well by a fluke, I would have felt worse than I do now. I must become the real deal, and now is the time to act... hence my absence from the internets, which I'll try from now on to not make absolute. I need not go THAT far... it's simply not necessary. I am human after all, I have to pause for a bit, if not a day. I'm growing.. slowly, and I hope inner peace lies at the end of this venture.

***Some may say that was not love then, since love is not shallow, label-centric and superficial. No... love is selfless and pure! .. you protest.
But let's face it ... love is, like all other human emotions, quite superficial - quite dependent on labels. It's not who you are that people fall in love with, it's what you represent.. what you appear to be. So as far as social reality is concerned, your labels ARE who you are.
Two points on this matter shall seal my point, just for you straight ladies who are deep and non-superficial -
1) You love a person for a certain deep trait right? A person whose mind works a certain way. Now consider two men, identical with respect to this nature... just one ends up looking like a hunk, I dunno.. Pitt, Depp or what have you, .. and the other is, to put it mildly, "unattractive". You may NOT assume that the attractive person will have less insecurities and thus have less character or anything else of the sort. They are both identical, mentally speaking, with the exception that they are both two different people. Who do you pick to be with?
... so much for love being blind.
2)You love someone for a certain quality. An aspect of his personality. Ok, now this quality was acquired because of the person having had a certain set of experiences... largely. This person you love has flaws. Now let's say you find another person, who is just one small experience away from having this trait. POW... he just got it! He lacks the flaws of the one you're supposedly in love with. What happens now? Do you stick with the one you love, or fiddle around with the new one? This, incidentally, is just a redefinition of how people fall out of love. What happens with time is the woman in the relationship undergoes a change in values ... her needs change, and the "cons" bucket keeps filling up with the dude she's involved with... either because he's getting too old, or is not living up to her expectations. She then finds someone who lacks the cons, and who satisfies her present criteria for falling in love, i.e having this trait she needs... and she thus "moves on". In my case, I kept the trait constant, but fiddled with the "cons" side of the scale of the other guy.
Point: 1) Love (practically speaking) is seldom selfless, and ultimately is selfish as far as MOST humans are concerned.
2)Love is superficial. Women will be drawn to those more attractive and powerful, all other traits held constant. I didn't bother using men in my examples because it's too easy. Where's the challenge in that?!
Please do cite a case of realized ideal love, where both lovers involved are selfless under extreme circumstances. I'd love to hear it. If you do come up with ONE... think of the odds - one in how many billion billion?