The Devil Within

An explosion of anger and hatred,
Blowing out steam when its boiling hot,
No consideration, cares about nothing,
Flowing violent truth on the whole fucking lot

Cross my mind once, you'll feel the wrath,
That was bottled up deep inside, but poorly,
World is black and white, you'd better be right,
Be prepared for a scene that's perfectly gory

I wish I were calm, that I was under control,
Try my best at most times to keep it under wraps,
Sometimes however, the shit gets too much,
My mind loses out to the lost soul in the gaps

His pain and anger seems to have no bound,
Feels cheated and robbed, he scowls and frowns,
Sees red, feels yellow, yet darkness abounds,
Wishes for death, but will take everyone down

This then is my Devil within,
A dozen Hail Mary's couldn't get him back in,
I pray that I find, that God in my mind,
That will vanquish this demon, and salvage my life

"Life" (My attempt at depressing myself)

Each passing day,the story's the same,
Try to make the most, try not to digress,
I open my eyes wider, harder... longer,
But it only gets darker,it only gets less

Who I was keeps slipping away,
grains of sand in a fractured hour glass,
I try to stem the tide, try so hard to hide,
But time only makes more real, my future void

Tried to find solace in company, but it's a biological scam,
fragmented people trying as hard as they can,
to be something more than the sum of their parts,
the story always ends with a chosen drug, and broken hearts

Tried to find solace in being something more,
till I noticed I'm smaller, and still on square one,
'cause I've given all I've got, I'm all but lost,
the salt in the wounds - what I sought was always naught

Then I realized that solace was meant for the blind,
those that can't see, and have no need to hide,
those who might seek, but find joy in whatever they find,
they're the only ones that don't end up losing their mind.

(P.S: I'm not depressed.... but I was trying to be bleak this morning. This is the result.)

Dear Allahabad

Oh... I'm in such a giving mood today! I wrote the following poem a week ago, after one of the worst travel experiences of my life finally ended. It was in a "city" in India called Allahabad, a hot, horrid place, with terribly undeveloped.... everything, especially roads, virtually no traffic signals, and some of the worst "hotels" you can possibly imagine. You literally cannot travel 750 meters in the "city" without seeing at least 3 cows (I checked... I'm serious). It has hideous traffic problems, and it was worse than Dhaka as far as what I saw from both cities... and Dhaka in Bangladesh as some of you may know, is the most densely populated place in the world, with probably the worst traffic jams. For me, Allahabad was worse. It has nothing to do with density, it's just that their roads are thinner than pubic hairs. Annnyway, in other news, Allahabad suffered a tragedy yesterday (as of this writing) in a bomb being exploded in a slum area,... and 4 or 5 people died. So if you're from Allahabad and have stumbled here.... I do feel sorry for you, but I seriously hate your city. If you dislike me for this post, that's fine, but please... I insist, let it be for the content of my poisonous poem, and the aforementioned lines, and not for the timing of this post. I'm a busy guy who forgets stuff... so I might forget to post this, and I really don't want to do that. So yeaaa... sorry for the timing, and for you living in such a shitty place.

So yes, I was there to attend an interview for an institute that I was shortlisted for. Unfortunately.... there was no accommodation provided, so we all had to fend for ourselves. Long story short, the first 24 hours in the city was really, really terrible. I hardly slept at all , I ate two samosas, and to travel to this institute by the only means of transport till there.... which is 20 kms from the main city, it takes a little over an hour due to miscellaneous reasons. I didn't get through by the way. My interview was good, but as the poem will reveal, my written test was done without sleep... which probably cost me my PhD from this place. This "place" by the way is one of the best in my country, and it's a tragedy that it's located in a festering hell hole. Without any further ado.... the poem (my attempt to find something silly and funny after an academic tragedy):

Oh Allahabad, you crappy hell ho',
A bovine slum more than an actual city,
Shoud've been clear from the get go,
that you were gonna be totally shitty

Landed in your domestic airport,
that really is a military base,
Can't handle more than a plane a day,
You don't even have baggage claim

Drove into the cursed center,
In a taxi that was a broken down van,
Once he let me know the rate per kilometer,
I thought "I'm gonna smack you, as hard as I can"

Couldn't find a place to stay,
'Cause it was wedding season,
Finally believed the lies of a cycling rick,
Come to think of it ... for no rhyme or reason

He got me booked in "Lakshmi Hotel",
Oh, how I wish now that I had thought some more,
It was so damn hot that I ended up taking,
a shower in a bathroom with no walls.. or door

The room I booked was supposed to have an air cooler,
Pity they didn't tell me that someone stole the fan,
After a night of baking heat, no food and constant yelling,
You bet your ass, in the morning I ran!

Went to the golden institute that called me,
Hosting interviews for the chosen few,
Asked them politely if they could have a room for me,
They said "Buddy, you're smart, but hey.. fuck you."

Now regrettably returning to my wretched room,
In an autorickshaw where there's no room to sit,
Reason being they fit 12 in a vehicle meant for 6,
The worst part - my face received someone elses spit

I so would have looked for another room,
But all I could do was crash in my own sweat,
It was 46 degrees centrigrade, 115 degrees fahrenheit,
A temperature at which you really wished for your death

4 hours of sweaty,restless sleep later,
I ran out again, I swear I could yell,
Traveled for 2 hours in desperation,
I finally found an actual hotel

I smiled and cried, and ran inside,
The a.c. filling me with joy and mirth,
Till I suddenly realized something,
That guaranteed me six feet under the earth

The golden institute had the test tomorrow,
And I haven't slept a decent wink,
I'd better pull off an all-nighter,
Or else they'll toss me like spunk from their slink

I'll cut to the chase, it was bearable from there,
And sadly, I did not get through,
But going back to Allahabad is something,
that being at gun point wouldn't get me to do.