Oh... I'm in such a giving mood today! I wrote the following poem a week ago, after one of the worst travel experiences of my life finally ended. It was in a "city" in India called Allahabad, a hot, horrid place, with terribly undeveloped.... everything, especially roads, virtually no traffic signals, and some of the worst "hotels" you can possibly imagine. You literally cannot travel 750 meters in the "city" without seeing at least 3 cows (I checked... I'm serious). It has hideous traffic problems, and it was worse than Dhaka as far as what I saw from both cities... and Dhaka in Bangladesh as some of you may know, is the most densely populated place in the world, with probably the worst traffic jams. For me, Allahabad was worse. It has nothing to do with density, it's just that their roads are thinner than pubic hairs. Annnyway, in other news, Allahabad suffered a tragedy yesterday (as of this writing) in a bomb being exploded in a slum area,... and 4 or 5 people died. So if you're from Allahabad and have stumbled here.... I do feel sorry for you, but I seriously hate your city. If you dislike me for this post, that's fine, but please... I insist, let it be for the content of my poisonous poem, and the aforementioned lines, and not for the timing of this post. I'm a busy guy who forgets stuff... so I might forget to post this, and I really don't want to do that. So yeaaa... sorry for the timing, and for you living in such a shitty place.
So yes, I was there to attend an interview for an institute that I was shortlisted for. Unfortunately.... there was no accommodation provided, so we all had to fend for ourselves. Long story short, the first 24 hours in the city was really, really terrible. I hardly slept at all , I ate two samosas, and to travel to this institute by the only means of transport till there.... which is 20 kms from the main city, it takes a little over an hour due to miscellaneous reasons. I didn't get through by the way. My interview was good, but as the poem will reveal, my written test was done without sleep... which probably cost me my PhD from this place. This "place" by the way is one of the best in my country, and it's a tragedy that it's located in a festering hell hole. Without any further ado.... the poem (my attempt to find something silly and funny after an academic tragedy):
Oh Allahabad, you crappy hell ho',
A bovine slum more than an actual city,
Shoud've been clear from the get go,
that you were gonna be totally shitty
Landed in your domestic airport,
that really is a military base,
Can't handle more than a plane a day,
You don't even have baggage claim
Drove into the cursed center,
In a taxi that was a broken down van,
Once he let me know the rate per kilometer,
I thought "I'm gonna smack you, as hard as I can"
Couldn't find a place to stay,
'Cause it was wedding season,
Finally believed the lies of a cycling rick,
Come to think of it ... for no rhyme or reason
He got me booked in "Lakshmi Hotel",
Oh, how I wish now that I had thought some more,
It was so damn hot that I ended up taking,
a shower in a bathroom with no walls.. or door
The room I booked was supposed to have an air cooler,
Pity they didn't tell me that someone stole the fan,
After a night of baking heat, no food and constant yelling,
You bet your ass, in the morning I ran!
Went to the golden institute that called me,
Hosting interviews for the chosen few,
Asked them politely if they could have a room for me,
They said "Buddy, you're smart, but hey.. fuck you."
Now regrettably returning to my wretched room,
In an autorickshaw where there's no room to sit,
Reason being they fit 12 in a vehicle meant for 6,
The worst part - my face received someone elses spit
I so would have looked for another room,
But all I could do was crash in my own sweat,
It was 46 degrees centrigrade, 115 degrees fahrenheit,
A temperature at which you really wished for your death
4 hours of sweaty,restless sleep later,
I ran out again, I swear I could yell,
Traveled for 2 hours in desperation,
I finally found an actual hotel
I smiled and cried, and ran inside,
The a.c. filling me with joy and mirth,
Till I suddenly realized something,
That guaranteed me six feet under the earth
The golden institute had the test tomorrow,
And I haven't slept a decent wink,
I'd better pull off an all-nighter,
Or else they'll toss me like spunk from their slink
I'll cut to the chase, it was bearable from there,
And sadly, I did not get through,
But going back to Allahabad is something,
that being at gun point wouldn't get me to do.
So yes, I was there to attend an interview for an institute that I was shortlisted for. Unfortunately.... there was no accommodation provided, so we all had to fend for ourselves. Long story short, the first 24 hours in the city was really, really terrible. I hardly slept at all , I ate two samosas, and to travel to this institute by the only means of transport till there.... which is 20 kms from the main city, it takes a little over an hour due to miscellaneous reasons. I didn't get through by the way. My interview was good, but as the poem will reveal, my written test was done without sleep... which probably cost me my PhD from this place. This "place" by the way is one of the best in my country, and it's a tragedy that it's located in a festering hell hole. Without any further ado.... the poem (my attempt to find something silly and funny after an academic tragedy):
Oh Allahabad, you crappy hell ho',
A bovine slum more than an actual city,
Shoud've been clear from the get go,
that you were gonna be totally shitty
Landed in your domestic airport,
that really is a military base,
Can't handle more than a plane a day,
You don't even have baggage claim
Drove into the cursed center,
In a taxi that was a broken down van,
Once he let me know the rate per kilometer,
I thought "I'm gonna smack you, as hard as I can"
Couldn't find a place to stay,
'Cause it was wedding season,
Finally believed the lies of a cycling rick,
Come to think of it ... for no rhyme or reason
He got me booked in "Lakshmi Hotel",
Oh, how I wish now that I had thought some more,
It was so damn hot that I ended up taking,
a shower in a bathroom with no walls.. or door
The room I booked was supposed to have an air cooler,
Pity they didn't tell me that someone stole the fan,
After a night of baking heat, no food and constant yelling,
You bet your ass, in the morning I ran!
Went to the golden institute that called me,
Hosting interviews for the chosen few,
Asked them politely if they could have a room for me,
They said "Buddy, you're smart, but hey.. fuck you."
Now regrettably returning to my wretched room,
In an autorickshaw where there's no room to sit,
Reason being they fit 12 in a vehicle meant for 6,
The worst part - my face received someone elses spit
I so would have looked for another room,
But all I could do was crash in my own sweat,
It was 46 degrees centrigrade, 115 degrees fahrenheit,
A temperature at which you really wished for your death
4 hours of sweaty,restless sleep later,
I ran out again, I swear I could yell,
Traveled for 2 hours in desperation,
I finally found an actual hotel
I smiled and cried, and ran inside,
The a.c. filling me with joy and mirth,
Till I suddenly realized something,
That guaranteed me six feet under the earth
The golden institute had the test tomorrow,
And I haven't slept a decent wink,
I'd better pull off an all-nighter,
Or else they'll toss me like spunk from their slink
I'll cut to the chase, it was bearable from there,
And sadly, I did not get through,
But going back to Allahabad is something,
that being at gun point wouldn't get me to do.
Yes! I did it again. Guess whose page is the top link if you search "allahabad : hot horrid hell hole golden bovine spit slink spunk shitty slum" in Google. Yup, you guessed it.
ReplyDelete*points proudly at himself*