I can trace back the dawn of my present self to a particular thought, though I can't trace back the date at the present moment. I know however, that it was in December. I was 18 years old, had completed high school (barely) .. and was not doing anything. Well strictly speaking, I was taking this computer class I was totally uninterested in and was forced into taking, so that my future was going "somewhere". I was looking at a year of having no academic work under my belt, and I couldn't care less. In fact, at the time, I didn't care about much other than my physical training. I had no drive for the future - I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I just didn't have any idea or interest in it. I never considered myself stupid... consciously anyway, but I did buy into the image that my grades for a long time did reflect something about me to some extent. My weakest subject going by grades was mathematics, the subject on which all achievement in my present line of work and future career will depend on. I thankfully do have a decent enough ability in mathematics, so my future isn't as bleak as one would think... but at the time I did accept the label. I did let it define what I thought about myself, and what I could do.
Nothing motivated me until late October that year, when I stumbled across an article by Stephen Hawking. He explained some stuff about black holes. He mentioned the "holographic principle" in a line. He talked about String theory resolving a problem he had for many years about the "information paradox". All these fancy words, theories and concepts seemed interesting, but apart from being new aspects of the world for me, it didn't do much. But another thing he was talking about a lot was quantum mechanics, and specifically its implication on our understanding of physics. He was building up to what quantum mechanics had to say about "spacetime", and even he was just making guesses as no concrete theory exists on it. Now this quantum stuff was really stroking my mind the right way! He did end this article by saying that despite saying since the 80's that "the end of physics was near", he was quite sure that the end was really near THIS time, i.e. string theory would be completely solved. He was wrong, and I didn't get most of it. But that quantum stuff sure as hell was interesting!
While I sucked at most things, I did know how to use torrents. A quick search of "quantum textbook" on the site demonoid.com at the time got me a bunch of physics book torrents. In the collection was a book by David Griffiths that really hooked me. Something about his style of presentation in asking pertinent questions every now and then and then proceeding to answer them really appealed to me. I started with the last chapter to get an idea of what quantum mechanics was really "all about". It conjured up thoughts in my mind. I couldn't get around the idea of how the computer table in front of me was solid, but if I were to zoom in, it wouldn't be so "dense". I had a perverse idea of quantum mechanics at the time and imagined that there really was this "wavy" reality to it - actual waviness. How could both of these be true? What was the table... really? That's the first time a "really" question even occurred in my head.. as far as I can remember. At least it was the first time I asked it with this severe an intent. His book on Electrodynamics furthered this new questioning phase, specifically the only chapter I was truly interested in reading at the time - the last one on Special relativity. I realized what I thought I knew earlier about the theory was wrong, but what the theory actually had to say was far more fascinating. Changing your speed altered your perception about space and time - when and where an event occurred, the scale of objects and the passage of time (All the words I'm using here correspond to the thoughts I had at the time. They are NOT terms I'd use now. If they are wholly wrong, I'll correct it, or call it "perverse" as I did earlier. Else I will forgive my 18 year old self ;) ). The theory mandated that things were relative. But was it? I really wanted to know how to figure out the answer to these questions. I knew that the way things seemed depended on the scale, or your frame... things looked a certain way depending on the "frame" you chose (by "frame" here I thought both a "small scale frame", and a frame moving at a higher velocity. It depends on the what "reality" we were concerned with - the fuzziness of objects, or the fact that they can expand and compress). Well then, which frame could be more correct, and why? The answer came a month later to me while I was walking my dog (It ought to have come sooner, but I relied heavily on incubation at that point in time... I had no understanding and ideas to work with). If you look at things from one "frame" and it explains more things than some other "frame", it ought to be more correct. I thought about why General Relativity is "more correct" than Newton's idea - it simply explained more phenomena than Newton's could. It incorporated more. Can one special relativity frame explain more than some other? Nope, they're all equally valid, and it truly is "all relative" here. Does the quantum frame explain more. Yes. Quantum can explain Classical, but not vice versa. I remember this thought occurring to me in early December, and I wasn't as elated as I was then since the time before I was a teenager! What a damn rush!
All of this happened, but not a thought on my future. Not a thought on who I am, who I should be, and so on. That thought train had to wait till a week before Xmas. I began to try questioning my own personal and social reality. I was bothered about why I hadn't learned some of the stuff in math and physics the way I did, as it really was so EASY. Calculus was EASY... why didn't I get to learn from Apostol? Physics was EASY... why didn't I get to understand those damn formulas for Electrostatics? Those bastards at school simply taught us rules, and gave us no understanding. Their grades have no value, I thought. What did it mean to have a degree saying you have 95% marks or 50% when you really don't know much a week after the exam is done, or understand anything in general? ... Nothing! It's not something that indicates anything meaningful about you, it's just a.... a "label". I remember having felt cheated and lied to. I was made to believe something had more meaning that it actually did, and the belief in that meaning influenced who I was and what I attempted. And why DID I get cheated and fooled this way? Answer - Because I didn't bother to question what those damned pieces of paper really were.... I didn't bother to ask the basic question - "Does this report mean anything, and if so, why?" . Had I just bothered to ask this simple question, my perception of things and my self confidence would have been totally different! I should have known what really is, and then should have based my life decisions around that! If I did that, I probably would have been totally different right now and not so lost! I probably wouldn't have lost so much OF so much; time among other things! If I do that, I have nothing to fear, because I'm basing it on reality... something I can defend anywhere, and to anyone. All I have to do is get informed, be honest about what it has to say and find the most general framework, and ask questions. That's... it!
*CLICK*
I had that thought the week before Xmas, but I have no idea on what date. It was either a Tuesday or a Thursday. Either way, it was the most significant thought I had in defining the kind of person I would be from then on till now, and will probably be for the rest of my life. Even if the thought won't end up being so important in the future (which I doubt), it started a path that got me to understand the scientific method, and the appreciation of THAT will never leave me for the rest of my life, for sure! I called the moment a "click", but really... it was a "pop". Realizing I could understand reality and defend it in the face of whatever society had to say by questioning "them" and showing them to be wrong made me feel damn good for some reason. It wasn't just my present mind that popped into existence, it was also my balls.
P.S: The thought may seem trivial to most, and perhaps it is. To question the validity of societal labels is not so big perhaps. But it was to me. For me it wasn't just the matter of questioning... but also the scale and intensity of it - the whole magnitude of the error that can result by not doing it, and the massive implications it can have on a person's life if they choose to buy into the bullshit. I didn't have any friends or social situation of any kind at the time.... it simply went into hibernation. All of this was quite ideal in setting the stage up for my development... which despite all my present imperfections (not surprisingly- social being the most significant one) has led to me getting at least something right!
Nothing motivated me until late October that year, when I stumbled across an article by Stephen Hawking. He explained some stuff about black holes. He mentioned the "holographic principle" in a line. He talked about String theory resolving a problem he had for many years about the "information paradox". All these fancy words, theories and concepts seemed interesting, but apart from being new aspects of the world for me, it didn't do much. But another thing he was talking about a lot was quantum mechanics, and specifically its implication on our understanding of physics. He was building up to what quantum mechanics had to say about "spacetime", and even he was just making guesses as no concrete theory exists on it. Now this quantum stuff was really stroking my mind the right way! He did end this article by saying that despite saying since the 80's that "the end of physics was near", he was quite sure that the end was really near THIS time, i.e. string theory would be completely solved. He was wrong, and I didn't get most of it. But that quantum stuff sure as hell was interesting!
While I sucked at most things, I did know how to use torrents. A quick search of "quantum textbook" on the site demonoid.com at the time got me a bunch of physics book torrents. In the collection was a book by David Griffiths that really hooked me. Something about his style of presentation in asking pertinent questions every now and then and then proceeding to answer them really appealed to me. I started with the last chapter to get an idea of what quantum mechanics was really "all about". It conjured up thoughts in my mind. I couldn't get around the idea of how the computer table in front of me was solid, but if I were to zoom in, it wouldn't be so "dense". I had a perverse idea of quantum mechanics at the time and imagined that there really was this "wavy" reality to it - actual waviness. How could both of these be true? What was the table... really? That's the first time a "really" question even occurred in my head.. as far as I can remember. At least it was the first time I asked it with this severe an intent. His book on Electrodynamics furthered this new questioning phase, specifically the only chapter I was truly interested in reading at the time - the last one on Special relativity. I realized what I thought I knew earlier about the theory was wrong, but what the theory actually had to say was far more fascinating. Changing your speed altered your perception about space and time - when and where an event occurred, the scale of objects and the passage of time (All the words I'm using here correspond to the thoughts I had at the time. They are NOT terms I'd use now. If they are wholly wrong, I'll correct it, or call it "perverse" as I did earlier. Else I will forgive my 18 year old self ;) ). The theory mandated that things were relative. But was it? I really wanted to know how to figure out the answer to these questions. I knew that the way things seemed depended on the scale, or your frame... things looked a certain way depending on the "frame" you chose (by "frame" here I thought both a "small scale frame", and a frame moving at a higher velocity. It depends on the what "reality" we were concerned with - the fuzziness of objects, or the fact that they can expand and compress). Well then, which frame could be more correct, and why? The answer came a month later to me while I was walking my dog (It ought to have come sooner, but I relied heavily on incubation at that point in time... I had no understanding and ideas to work with). If you look at things from one "frame" and it explains more things than some other "frame", it ought to be more correct. I thought about why General Relativity is "more correct" than Newton's idea - it simply explained more phenomena than Newton's could. It incorporated more. Can one special relativity frame explain more than some other? Nope, they're all equally valid, and it truly is "all relative" here. Does the quantum frame explain more. Yes. Quantum can explain Classical, but not vice versa. I remember this thought occurring to me in early December, and I wasn't as elated as I was then since the time before I was a teenager! What a damn rush!
All of this happened, but not a thought on my future. Not a thought on who I am, who I should be, and so on. That thought train had to wait till a week before Xmas. I began to try questioning my own personal and social reality. I was bothered about why I hadn't learned some of the stuff in math and physics the way I did, as it really was so EASY. Calculus was EASY... why didn't I get to learn from Apostol? Physics was EASY... why didn't I get to understand those damn formulas for Electrostatics? Those bastards at school simply taught us rules, and gave us no understanding. Their grades have no value, I thought. What did it mean to have a degree saying you have 95% marks or 50% when you really don't know much a week after the exam is done, or understand anything in general? ... Nothing! It's not something that indicates anything meaningful about you, it's just a.... a "label". I remember having felt cheated and lied to. I was made to believe something had more meaning that it actually did, and the belief in that meaning influenced who I was and what I attempted. And why DID I get cheated and fooled this way? Answer - Because I didn't bother to question what those damned pieces of paper really were.... I didn't bother to ask the basic question - "Does this report mean anything, and if so, why?" . Had I just bothered to ask this simple question, my perception of things and my self confidence would have been totally different! I should have known what really is, and then should have based my life decisions around that! If I did that, I probably would have been totally different right now and not so lost! I probably wouldn't have lost so much OF so much; time among other things! If I do that, I have nothing to fear, because I'm basing it on reality... something I can defend anywhere, and to anyone. All I have to do is get informed, be honest about what it has to say and find the most general framework, and ask questions. That's... it!
*CLICK*
I had that thought the week before Xmas, but I have no idea on what date. It was either a Tuesday or a Thursday. Either way, it was the most significant thought I had in defining the kind of person I would be from then on till now, and will probably be for the rest of my life. Even if the thought won't end up being so important in the future (which I doubt), it started a path that got me to understand the scientific method, and the appreciation of THAT will never leave me for the rest of my life, for sure! I called the moment a "click", but really... it was a "pop". Realizing I could understand reality and defend it in the face of whatever society had to say by questioning "them" and showing them to be wrong made me feel damn good for some reason. It wasn't just my present mind that popped into existence, it was also my balls.
P.S: The thought may seem trivial to most, and perhaps it is. To question the validity of societal labels is not so big perhaps. But it was to me. For me it wasn't just the matter of questioning... but also the scale and intensity of it - the whole magnitude of the error that can result by not doing it, and the massive implications it can have on a person's life if they choose to buy into the bullshit. I didn't have any friends or social situation of any kind at the time.... it simply went into hibernation. All of this was quite ideal in setting the stage up for my development... which despite all my present imperfections (not surprisingly- social being the most significant one) has led to me getting at least something right!
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