Waking Life

I would give anything to go back 2 years, 5 months and 4 days back.... I would double that to go roughly 8 years back. The consequences of choices in these periods haunt my waking hours as much as they do my dreams, in some form or another, and never to an intensity that is in any way remotely insignificant. Whatever I do, the slate is never clean; the memory never gone. All my "wisdom" and knowledge, all my understanding to make sense of it ... that this in a very consequential way had to be, doesn't in any way make me not wish so strongly that I had done the improbable at those times. Some were less improbable than others, some were just elementary bad choices with a severe, catastrophic runaway effect. The wish to redo is all the same. It sounds terrible coming from me, for I wished that all that thinking, all this logic and honesty that I have exercised to some slight capacity, would have provided closure and growth and helped avoid resentment. But how strongly I feel it now... in this period, a psychological cancer consuming me so mercilessly. While there are good days and bad days, the trend undoubtedly is that it is getting worse with time. I still believe (and hope) that being as honest as one can with oneself is what will save anyone. To accept and try to move on with a thought out plan .. a solution, and to accept the unforeseeable deviations and setbacks that may result from following it. The only thing I can hope to do, the only solution I see... is to make my environment as honest a reflection of my reality as I can manage, and hopefully find the strength to survive in this world despite what my heart and mind will agonizingly scream out from the abyss. I hope to find the "general answer" some day , and on that day I hope I give enough of  a damn to overcome the cynical side of me so that I might bother to share it (the main thing that got me started on this journey so long ago).