When the world changed for me; the moment my present self "clicked" into existence

I can trace back the dawn of my present self to a particular thought, though I can't trace back the date at the present moment. I know however, that it was in December. I was 18 years old, had completed high school (barely) .. and was not doing anything. Well strictly speaking, I was taking this computer class I was totally uninterested in and was forced into taking, so that my future was going "somewhere". I was looking at a year of having no academic work under my belt, and I couldn't care less. In fact, at the time, I didn't care about much other than my physical training. I had no drive for the future -  I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I just didn't have any idea or interest in it. I never considered myself stupid... consciously anyway, but I did buy into the image that my grades for a long time did reflect something about me to some extent. My weakest subject going by grades was mathematics, the subject on which all achievement in my present line of work and future career will depend on. I thankfully do have a decent enough ability in mathematics, so my future isn't as bleak as one would think... but at the time I did accept the label. I did let it define what I thought about myself, and what I could do.

Nothing motivated me until late October that year, when I stumbled across an article by Stephen Hawking. He explained some stuff about black holes. He mentioned the "holographic principle" in a line. He talked about String theory resolving a problem he had for many years about the "information paradox". All these fancy words, theories and concepts seemed interesting, but apart from being new aspects of the world for me, it didn't do much. But another thing he was talking about a lot was quantum mechanics, and specifically its implication on our understanding of physics. He was building up to what quantum mechanics had to say about "spacetime", and even he was just making guesses as no concrete theory exists on it. Now this quantum stuff was really stroking my mind the right way! He did end this article by saying that despite saying since the 80's that "the end of physics was near", he was quite sure that the end was really near THIS time, i.e. string theory would be completely solved. He was wrong, and I didn't get most of it. But that quantum stuff sure as hell was interesting!
While I sucked at most things, I did know how to use torrents. A quick search of "quantum textbook" on the site demonoid.com at the time got me a bunch of physics book torrents. In the collection was a book by David Griffiths that really hooked me. Something about his style of presentation in asking pertinent questions every now and then and then proceeding to answer them really appealed to me. I started with the last chapter to get an idea of what quantum mechanics was really "all about". It conjured up thoughts in my mind. I couldn't get around the idea of how the computer table in front of me was solid, but if I were to zoom in, it wouldn't be so "dense". I had a perverse idea of quantum mechanics at the time and imagined that  there really was this "wavy" reality to it - actual waviness. How could both of these be true? What was the table... really? That's the first time a "really" question even occurred in my head.. as far as I can remember. At least it was the first time I asked it with this severe an intent. His book on Electrodynamics furthered this new questioning phase, specifically the only chapter I was truly interested in reading at the time - the last one on Special relativity. I realized what I thought I knew earlier about the theory was wrong, but what the theory actually had to say was far more fascinating. Changing your speed altered your perception about space and time - when and where an event occurred, the scale of objects and the passage of time (All the words I'm using here correspond to the thoughts I had at the time. They are NOT terms I'd use now. If they are wholly wrong, I'll correct it, or call it "perverse" as I did earlier. Else I will forgive my 18 year old self  ;) ). The theory mandated that things were relative. But was it? I really wanted to know how to figure out the answer to these questions. I knew that the way things seemed depended on the scale, or your frame... things looked a certain way depending on the "frame" you chose (by "frame" here I thought both a "small scale frame", and a frame moving at a higher velocity. It depends on the what "reality" we were concerned with - the fuzziness of objects, or the fact that they can expand and compress). Well then, which frame could be more correct, and why? The answer came a month later to me while I was walking my dog  (It ought to have come sooner, but I relied heavily on incubation at that point in time... I had no understanding and ideas to work with). If you look at things from one "frame" and it explains more things than some other "frame", it ought to be more correct. I thought about why General Relativity is "more correct" than Newton's idea - it simply explained more phenomena than Newton's could. It incorporated more. Can one special relativity frame explain more than some other? Nope, they're all equally valid, and it truly is "all relative" here. Does the quantum frame explain more. Yes. Quantum can explain Classical, but not vice versa. I remember this thought occurring to me in early December, and I wasn't as elated as I was then since the time before I was a teenager! What a damn rush!

All of this happened, but not a thought on my future. Not a thought on who I am, who I should be, and so on. That thought train had to wait till a week before Xmas. I began to try questioning my own personal and social reality. I was bothered about why I hadn't learned some of the stuff in math and physics the way I did, as it really was so EASY. Calculus was EASY... why didn't I get to learn from Apostol? Physics was EASY... why didn't I get to understand those damn formulas for Electrostatics? Those bastards at school simply taught us rules, and gave us no understanding. Their grades have no value, I thought. What did it mean to have a degree saying you have 95% marks or 50% when you really don't know much a week after the exam is done, or understand anything in general? ... Nothing! It's not something that indicates anything meaningful about you, it's just a.... a "label". I remember having felt cheated and lied to. I was made to believe something had more meaning that it actually did, and the belief in that meaning influenced who I was and what I attempted. And why DID I get cheated and fooled this way? Answer - Because I didn't bother to question what those damned pieces of paper really were.... I didn't bother to ask the basic question - "Does this report mean anything, and if so, why?" . Had I just bothered to ask this simple question, my perception of things and my self confidence would have been totally different! I should have known what really is, and then should have based my life decisions around that! If I did that, I probably would have been totally different right now and not so lost! I probably wouldn't have lost so much OF so much; time among other things! If I do that, I have nothing to fear, because I'm basing it on reality... something I can defend anywhere, and to anyone. All I have to do is get informed, be honest about what it has to say and find the most general framework, and ask questions. That's... it!
                                                                                         *CLICK*
I had that thought the week before Xmas, but I have no idea on what date. It was either a Tuesday or a Thursday. Either way, it was the most significant thought I had in defining the kind of person I would be from then on till now, and will probably be for the rest of my life. Even if the thought won't end up being so important in the future (which I doubt), it started a path that got me to understand the scientific method, and the appreciation of THAT will never leave me for the rest of my life, for sure! I called the moment a "click", but really... it was a "pop". Realizing I could understand reality and defend it in the face of whatever society had to say by questioning "them" and showing them to be wrong made me feel damn good for some reason. It wasn't just my present mind that popped into existence, it was also my balls.

P.S: The thought may seem trivial to most, and perhaps it is. To question the validity of societal labels is not so big perhaps. But it was to me. For me it wasn't just the matter of questioning... but also the scale and intensity of it - the whole magnitude of the error that can result by not doing it, and the massive implications it can have on a person's life if they choose to buy into the bullshit. I didn't have any friends or social situation of any kind at the time.... it simply went into hibernation. All of this was quite ideal in setting the stage up for my development... which despite all my present imperfections (not surprisingly- social being the most significant one) has led to me getting at least something right!

The most infamous moment involving me from my University days.

This video was recorded in my first year, first semester... nearly 3 years ago. Back in those days... well, kind of like these days (and come to think of it... always) , I did't care much about my appearance. But on this particular day, my belt snapped, and since I didn't want my jeans to be by my ankles...  I just tied whatever was left of my belt around my waist in a seemingly harmless knot. I didn't do this in front of a mirror, and so unbeknownst to me the end result appeared .... somewhat peculiar, to put it mildly. What's going on in the video is that I'm trying to contact the lab assistant in our department to get the keys for the lab... in order to get the bag of a fellow student/friend who had left it in there (It was near closing time of the department). The one whose bag is inside is the one who is carrying around a broken remnant of my belt at the start of the video (.. for some mysterious reason). Anyway.... you need to watch till near the end of the video (at 2:07 to be precise) to get what the hub-bub was about. This incident is infamously known as "the belt incident".

Update: I should have corrected the title, but I think it's better for me to clarify further out here. The titles validity really depends on what one calls "infamous". Was there really an incident as whacky as me running around stark naked in the 9th grade in my school (for a reason I shall not mention here)? Nope. university was far more sober for me. But, there have been moments where "the usual things" did happen... like pissing off lecturers for all the WRONG reasons, leading to me debating them in the classroom. Other usual things are crazy observational moments like these ... of which this is the most memorable I guess... rather than "infamous". Arguably however, by any measure, the most infamous moment is where I pissed off the whole senior batch in my University, to the point that they wanted to gang up on me. While I was ready to "go down fighting as long as I took some of them down", I had something at the time I have never been able to count on for much of my life - friends. Yes.... they had my back. The wolf in this rare moment was not alone. He had a pack of sorts.Enough of this.... on to the incident.
Every year our department hosts an event.... a festival, with games, quizzes, plays,etc... and food. The freshers normally host and plan the thing, and the seniors provide some input, help and general cooperation (Masters is a two year course here... so we just have freshers and seniors, but some PhD students come in the "seniors" bracket as well).  In our year, the seniors were being a pain in every way possible. Some of them refused to pay the amount per student as was calculated to get the event going, some of them tried to bully their way and ideas into some events... which annoyed me not only due to it happening, but also for the "freshers" wimping out all the time. All the while I stood on the sidelines. I was only affiliated with the quiz event, and it was just me and my friends doing the whole thing. No one messed with us... for whatever reason. But while the festival was going, some of the seniors were protesting the details of the 'Aantakshari' event (Aantakshari being a game where you sing a song, and the next team/person continues with another song starting with the ending syllable of the previous teams song). Now, I hate the game in general and would not have participated (and did not later on) in my wildest dreams,  but having them boycott the event on the day of the event, chiefly because of a chosen professor not being involved because the prof was busy... just pissed me off. When I see something beyond a certain level of stupidity, I always take it upon myself  to talk and act and get some "non stupid" result. So I went in the room, and started talking to this "representative" for the seniors. After thoroughly criticizing his views on the matter at hand, and showing how they were unreasonable and/or illogical, he decided the best way to go was not logic, but an idiotic phrase (which had no point in being said, and made no sense since I had addressed the issues he brought up and showed him to be a total douche nozzle). He said "To make a clap, you need two hands". I responded " First" , and then without saying anything snapped my fingers onto the base of my palm and made a clapping sound. He made a disgusted face at this. I followed the demonstration by saying " Second, while I would call the freshers a hand, I wouldn't call the seniors that. They're by demonstrated overwhelming evidence, some other body part". He didn't seem offended at this, and I thought he didn't get it to be honest. He just left seconds later, and I felt quite accomplished. I thought that I had done it once again - If I couldn't reason with the irrational opponent, I verbally put him in his place. Next thing I know.... as in ten minutes later, as I was enjoying a snack outside near the badminton court, out storms the "representative" with some fifteen odd seriously pissed off seniors. They stop, the representative points at me, and I just look right back at them with a face suggesting "Great. More stupidity". They storm towards me... but stop just short. They decide to go straight to the person/ our batch mate next to me. Incidentally, this person they went to, my classmate, was "running the show" .... not because she was elected to do so, but rather due to the manifestation of her megalomaniacal tendencies and her desire to be in charge of all things in general. (That, and our near collective fresher desire to have nothing to do with the stupid event; she was the only one that gave a damn ). Anyway, so they're talking to her at earshot from me about me calling them "asses". This offended me for two reasons - 1) I clearly meant they were dicks, and the freshers and seniors had a relationship that could at best be described as "jerking off"! Ass? What the hell? What kind of relationship could that mean? At best one could say that our department is a shit factory, and the seniors are the ones that are "pushed out" into this toilet of a world. But still, that would make them shit ... not ass, and why would the freshers in any case as hands be in contact with them?! (Doesn't anyone get my comedic brilliance, I thought at the time.) And 2) I'm right fucking there! Don't be a rude shit/ass/dick... or whatever you consider yourself to be.If you have a problem with something I said, clarify it with me. I'm more than happy to explain it.  So I walk up to the gang and ask them once " Excuse me, is there a problem?" . They ignore me collectively. Man... to be ignored by one person is easy enough, but either I pissed them off so badly that none of them wanted to look at me.... OR they planned that none of them would look or talk to me. Either way... I pissed them off quite a bit  :D . So I go further " I couldn't help overhearing, and I think you're talking about me". One of them, "Mr. I" says "We're not talking to you". I retort "That may be, but I'M talking to you! I'd be happy to clarify any doubts you may have about what I said". At this, the guy mumbles with some of the others, and they approach me looking insanely pissed. I crack my knuckles and think "Woohoo! A fight!". At this point, those party poopers I call friends intervene. One goes ahead and talks to "Mr.I" and tries to take the group with him, with considerable success. Another friend tries to convince me to walk away. I boldly proclaim that I have no problem discussing any matter, and if it goes somewhere else... I can handle that to some effect as well. Finally, being coerced with a promise of coffee... I leave. After this,... my mind was horrified at how people form groups over anything. It made no sense in saying "the seniors are acting like this or that" to mean ALL seniors. I clearly meant the jackasses that were acting as such, and only mentioned the term "seniors" because that's how it was being discussed with me by their "representative". I came up with an idea that we (me and my friends) should call ourselves "The Shangles" (word just popped in my mid for no reason), and that should anyone say anything bad about the Shangles anywhere, we'll just gang up on them and threaten to beat them. Doesn't matter if it made sense or not, or if it was harmless. We'd just be looking to kick ass. I must in the interest of honesty admit that this incident did end up fucking with my mind some days later. I end up thinking about things obsessively to figure out more rules and patterns, to extract as many lessons and ideas as I can. Something in that thought process did affect me. But on the given day, it was just bemusement and jokes all around, with my friends nervously looking over their backs, secretly thinking about how much of a social n00by dumb ass I am to get into shit like this.

The Devil Within

An explosion of anger and hatred,
Blowing out steam when its boiling hot,
No consideration, cares about nothing,
Flowing violent truth on the whole fucking lot

Cross my mind once, you'll feel the wrath,
That was bottled up deep inside, but poorly,
World is black and white, you'd better be right,
Be prepared for a scene that's perfectly gory

I wish I were calm, that I was under control,
Try my best at most times to keep it under wraps,
Sometimes however, the shit gets too much,
My mind loses out to the lost soul in the gaps

His pain and anger seems to have no bound,
Feels cheated and robbed, he scowls and frowns,
Sees red, feels yellow, yet darkness abounds,
Wishes for death, but will take everyone down

This then is my Devil within,
A dozen Hail Mary's couldn't get him back in,
I pray that I find, that God in my mind,
That will vanquish this demon, and salvage my life

Waking Life

I would give anything to go back 2 years, 5 months and 4 days back.... I would double that to go roughly 8 years back. The consequences of choices in these periods haunt my waking hours as much as they do my dreams, in some form or another, and never to an intensity that is in any way remotely insignificant. Whatever I do, the slate is never clean; the memory never gone. All my "wisdom" and knowledge, all my understanding to make sense of it ... that this in a very consequential way had to be, doesn't in any way make me not wish so strongly that I had done the improbable at those times. Some were less improbable than others, some were just elementary bad choices with a severe, catastrophic runaway effect. The wish to redo is all the same. It sounds terrible coming from me, for I wished that all that thinking, all this logic and honesty that I have exercised to some slight capacity, would have provided closure and growth and helped avoid resentment. But how strongly I feel it now... in this period, a psychological cancer consuming me so mercilessly. While there are good days and bad days, the trend undoubtedly is that it is getting worse with time. I still believe (and hope) that being as honest as one can with oneself is what will save anyone. To accept and try to move on with a thought out plan .. a solution, and to accept the unforeseeable deviations and setbacks that may result from following it. The only thing I can hope to do, the only solution I see... is to make my environment as honest a reflection of my reality as I can manage, and hopefully find the strength to survive in this world despite what my heart and mind will agonizingly scream out from the abyss. I hope to find the "general answer" some day , and on that day I hope I give enough of  a damn to overcome the cynical side of me so that I might bother to share it (the main thing that got me started on this journey so long ago).

"Life" (My attempt at depressing myself)

Each passing day,the story's the same,
Try to make the most, try not to digress,
I open my eyes wider, harder... longer,
But it only gets darker,it only gets less

Who I was keeps slipping away,
grains of sand in a fractured hour glass,
I try to stem the tide, try so hard to hide,
But time only makes more real, my future void

Tried to find solace in company, but it's a biological scam,
fragmented people trying as hard as they can,
to be something more than the sum of their parts,
the story always ends with a chosen drug, and broken hearts

Tried to find solace in being something more,
till I noticed I'm smaller, and still on square one,
'cause I've given all I've got, I'm all but lost,
the salt in the wounds - what I sought was always naught

Then I realized that solace was meant for the blind,
those that can't see, and have no need to hide,
those who might seek, but find joy in whatever they find,
they're the only ones that don't end up losing their mind.

(P.S: I'm not depressed.... but I was trying to be bleak this morning. This is the result.)

Pubeocracy

I've been floating around a "radical idea" regarding voting for quite a while now, and I thought I'd share it here. The idea is simple- To make voting not an inalienable right, but an acquired right; a privilege. You've got to clear a screening test that will test you on your knowledge of current affairs, on present policies of the country or state, and on the policies being advocated by the people running for office (along with other aspects of their background if need be). Now reading this I know you're most probably thinking - "That's insane" . But really, it is very elementary. Agreed, it would be very tricky to set up such a system and procedure, especially when starting out with such a corrupt system to begin with, which is present to a different extent in virtually every part of the developed and developing world. They would obviously not favour such a system for obvious reasons that I'll get to in a bit. But getting back to the main point at hand, ignoring the question of how to set it up (which is by no means impossible), why is it so crazy? Think about it. The only criteria for a person to vote, technically speaking, is that they have pubic hair. That's it. Everything else is assumed.... quite falsely at that. That they'll be politically aware - false; that they'll be pro-active - False; that they'll vote in the best interest of their country - false; that they know what is in the best interest of their country because they know of the major issues of the country at that time, and the relation of the country with other nations - false,.... and on and on. A major reason why democracy at present doesn't work is that politicians are simply bought by corporations, and lobbyists, and so you largely are voting for puppets. But another part is that people simply don't pay attention to what the situation of the country or state is, what the policies being pushed by the candidates are, what are their track records,etc. The moment you have a populous that is aware of these issues and takes their ability to vote as a serious right that needs to be exercised, you'll  just as suddenly have a system which will put immense pressure on the political system which will permit no phonies, as it will be constantly scrutinized. The whole buying of politicians thing will be harder, new ideas will be required to fix old problems, and people will be able to determine if they make sense or not with regards to their knowledge of the issue. It won't be perfect, it won't be flawless, and it will have setbacks... but over time, there will most probably be a definite trend of progress, where by progress I mean making definite strides forward in fixing outstanding issues (market stability, development and prosperity,global standing, etc) .
That is what democracy ought to be, if you ask me and if I dare wish it to be such. You may very well retort that classically or conventionally that is not the true definition (which anyway would not be a wholly accurate thing to say), but even if it were... I then say change the damn definition. For me, the definition of democracy as is is not what's most important. The question ought to be: What system involving the participation of people will be the most productive, and will lead to maximum efficiency, ...both being seen with respect to the country or state? If that is the question, then just screening people on the basis of their age, irregardless of what they know at a bare minimum (ideally, what they understand should matter, but that is probably impossible to test in this context completely) is absolute lunacy... and I hope you agree.
When people vote of course some are informed, and some are not. The net effect by appropriate weighting , is that the impact of the informed cancels out with the impact of the uninformed, and all that you're left with are the constructively added up pubic hairs. Admit it, you know it .... we have a Pubeocratic system. Nothing more. Perhaps, something less.

Dear Allahabad

Oh... I'm in such a giving mood today! I wrote the following poem a week ago, after one of the worst travel experiences of my life finally ended. It was in a "city" in India called Allahabad, a hot, horrid place, with terribly undeveloped.... everything, especially roads, virtually no traffic signals, and some of the worst "hotels" you can possibly imagine. You literally cannot travel 750 meters in the "city" without seeing at least 3 cows (I checked... I'm serious). It has hideous traffic problems, and it was worse than Dhaka as far as what I saw from both cities... and Dhaka in Bangladesh as some of you may know, is the most densely populated place in the world, with probably the worst traffic jams. For me, Allahabad was worse. It has nothing to do with density, it's just that their roads are thinner than pubic hairs. Annnyway, in other news, Allahabad suffered a tragedy yesterday (as of this writing) in a bomb being exploded in a slum area,... and 4 or 5 people died. So if you're from Allahabad and have stumbled here.... I do feel sorry for you, but I seriously hate your city. If you dislike me for this post, that's fine, but please... I insist, let it be for the content of my poisonous poem, and the aforementioned lines, and not for the timing of this post. I'm a busy guy who forgets stuff... so I might forget to post this, and I really don't want to do that. So yeaaa... sorry for the timing, and for you living in such a shitty place.

So yes, I was there to attend an interview for an institute that I was shortlisted for. Unfortunately.... there was no accommodation provided, so we all had to fend for ourselves. Long story short, the first 24 hours in the city was really, really terrible. I hardly slept at all , I ate two samosas, and to travel to this institute by the only means of transport till there.... which is 20 kms from the main city, it takes a little over an hour due to miscellaneous reasons. I didn't get through by the way. My interview was good, but as the poem will reveal, my written test was done without sleep... which probably cost me my PhD from this place. This "place" by the way is one of the best in my country, and it's a tragedy that it's located in a festering hell hole. Without any further ado.... the poem (my attempt to find something silly and funny after an academic tragedy):

Oh Allahabad, you crappy hell ho',
A bovine slum more than an actual city,
Shoud've been clear from the get go,
that you were gonna be totally shitty

Landed in your domestic airport,
that really is a military base,
Can't handle more than a plane a day,
You don't even have baggage claim

Drove into the cursed center,
In a taxi that was a broken down van,
Once he let me know the rate per kilometer,
I thought "I'm gonna smack you, as hard as I can"

Couldn't find a place to stay,
'Cause it was wedding season,
Finally believed the lies of a cycling rick,
Come to think of it ... for no rhyme or reason

He got me booked in "Lakshmi Hotel",
Oh, how I wish now that I had thought some more,
It was so damn hot that I ended up taking,
a shower in a bathroom with no walls.. or door

The room I booked was supposed to have an air cooler,
Pity they didn't tell me that someone stole the fan,
After a night of baking heat, no food and constant yelling,
You bet your ass, in the morning I ran!

Went to the golden institute that called me,
Hosting interviews for the chosen few,
Asked them politely if they could have a room for me,
They said "Buddy, you're smart, but hey.. fuck you."

Now regrettably returning to my wretched room,
In an autorickshaw where there's no room to sit,
Reason being they fit 12 in a vehicle meant for 6,
The worst part - my face received someone elses spit

I so would have looked for another room,
But all I could do was crash in my own sweat,
It was 46 degrees centrigrade, 115 degrees fahrenheit,
A temperature at which you really wished for your death

4 hours of sweaty,restless sleep later,
I ran out again, I swear I could yell,
Traveled for 2 hours in desperation,
I finally found an actual hotel

I smiled and cried, and ran inside,
The a.c. filling me with joy and mirth,
Till I suddenly realized something,
That guaranteed me six feet under the earth

The golden institute had the test tomorrow,
And I haven't slept a decent wink,
I'd better pull off an all-nighter,
Or else they'll toss me like spunk from their slink

I'll cut to the chase, it was bearable from there,
And sadly, I did not get through,
But going back to Allahabad is something,
that being at gun point wouldn't get me to do.